To an unborn child.

Dear child, 

Growing up happens fast. It’s not about the numbers that we keep count of but the person you slowly and unknowingly become. The level of understanding you start to attain. Being grown up is beautiful, but I must advise you;

Recognize the job trap. Being jobless does not mean being useless, because feeling useless often ends in feeling life is meaningless. Literally! Man shall not live by bread alone. Do not become an adult with all to live by but nothing to live for, with all the means but no meaning.

When you come to the cloud that will for a period, wrap your silver lining. Beware of the three brothers; depression, aggression, addiction. They come in bottles; they come as cancer sticks caked with nicotine; they come as colorful foil packed capsules. They are often one small thing that begs you indulge, just once. Beware of fleeting satisfaction. The devil is not one big demon we slay once, but the little nothing's that come dressed as pleasures to which we must constantly deny ourselves.

Your conscience is not a nagging wife, it is a cautious guide; the rudder of your ship, your inbuilt constitution. Do not murder it with constant ignoring. What a man can do once, he might do again. It is easier to curb the first desire than it will be to satisfy the one’s that will follow. 

 
Have new experiences.  Soon you will begin to forget the last time you did something for the first time. Routine and passivity sets in.  Experience is as valuable as achieving. It is the inward companion to its outward counterpart. After all you keep your achievements for the world but your experiences are all you keep for yourself.

Most things in life are like fine china, you will learn this with time. They break with ease. Do not let anything that breaks leave you broken; Relationships, dreams or trust. Fear generalization, what applies to some does not apply to all. 

You were not made to be perfect. Adulthood comes with a bucket of excuses where you can pick when you go wrong. “The devil made me do it?”, “It’s because of the bad economy”, or my favorite “I had to do it”…. stop it! You can be wrong, you will be wrong. Explain but do not excuse. Take responsibility. Seek forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Finally, never forget you don't live once. You live daily through your good decisions, and die daily still by the bad ones. Believe in faith, but leave nothing to chance. In the words of Viktor E. FrankL “if you must howl with the wolves remain a sheep in wolves clothing”.

Forget feminism and be a woman.

  Feminism is the new black. Any woman who prefers to make a lot out of her supposedly little self must be either a self acclaimed or society proclaimed feminist. I have come to despise this stereotype that puts together in a box of rebellion, outspokenness, and ambition all women who dare to want to be something. So after one too many confrontations with friends and strangers I want to state publicly I do not know what feminism is I only know about being a woman.

  A woman earns her respect by being respectable, working for what she desire's and not waiting on a man like a sunflower waits for the sun to bloom.  A woman believes in the values of marriage but it isn't  the only thing she's defined by.  A woman does not challenge the strength of a man; she only refuse's to be called weak because she is a woman.

   I believe in what I believe in not because I am a woman but because I am human. We are all human first and anything else second. That alone should be enough reason to treat a woman like one.

Why wait for 1/01...

   Our flight through 2014 is slowly coming to its climax. At this juncture if you, like myself made resolutions, promises, and goals at the beginning of the year you might be taking stock. Assessing the kept, the fulfilled, and the never attempted. Satisfaction being equal to how many do’s we got round to achieving.

   Fact is, we often know what we need to do. The poisonous darlings we ought to kill, the habits we should break, but we all prefer to wait for the famous first of January to begin.

   We must realize the New Year is just that, a new year. It does not suddenly confer on us greater self discipline or stronger will power. You want to shed some weight? Forget the first of January, start running today. Need to quit smoking? Don’t drag that next stick of cigarette. The company that’s doing you no good, if you intend to cut the strings in the New Year you might as well cut them now. Better sooner than later.
   Today, tomorrow, any day is equally appropriate. You do not need to plan towards being a better you next year, enter the next year better, healthier and wiser.

Once upon a 23 year old Nigerian minister.

During an interview session the featured guest mentioned how Nigeria thirty plus years ago had a twenty three year old minister. I was taken aback. With all the compulsory primary social studies education and museum excursions I had never heard anything of the sort. So I did a little research. Oh, the things we find when we bother to look.

Matthew  Tawo Mbu, born on the 20^th of November 1929 in Okundi Crossriver state was a Nigerian lawyer, Politician, diplomat and a figure in Nigerian political affairs for more than fifty years. He was driven into a career in politics by these words from his childhood mentor ‘Fr Patrick Meeham’- “you are for your people; you go and speak for them”.

His legislative and ministerial posts include:

·         Member representing Ogoja in the Eastern house of assembly and House of Representatives (1952- 1953) at the age of twenty three.

·         Member for Ogoja in the House of Representatives (1954-1955).

·         Member of Parliament for Ogoja (1960-1966).

·         Federal minister of labour (1953- 1954).

·         Ag. Minister of transport (1954) e.t.c

The list is lengthy with over twenty official positions, and since this is not a political history thesis I have mentioned only the relevant few. Let me mention briefly, Obasanjo (vice president at 37), Buhari (governor of north eastern Nigeria at 33), and Gowon in 1966 at the age of 32 became the youngest Nigerian  president ever. When did we fall asleep?  We must rise from this passive coma and dump the ‘someone else must do it’ complex. If we are waiting for the system to change first, we will keep waiting. We must learn to serve and serve diligently. Not serving for what we will get but for what we can give. Once upon a time a 23 year old Nigerian minister, that time must come again.

Nigerian Definitions by Elnathan John.

These are definitions to popular terms used by Nigerians. Tweeted by Elnathan John whose ability to create trouble is only second to his excellent writing.

•COMOT (v): To comot means to leave

E.g. If Jona no fit stop the war, make e comot make we see road.

•MUMU (n): 1. a man newly in love

                     2. A dull, foolish or slow person

E.g. plenty mumu people go still vote Jonathan again.

•BLOCCOS (n): Scrotum. E.g. Na only touch I touch am o, na im she come nack me for bloccos.

•DRESS (v): To dress means to make space or shift.

E.g. Please dress so I can sit

•UNCLE (n): 1. Father/mothers male sibling

                      2. An older man known to your family

                      3. An older, married secret male lover

•CLOSEUP (n): Any brand of toothpaste E.g. CloseUp, Macleans, Colgate

•FRIEND (v): To friend means to have a sexual relationship.

E.g. "Na Goodluck dey friend Diezani"

•COUSIN/COUSIN BROTHER/COUSIN SISTER (n):

 1. Anyone related to you, however remote.

 2. One who grew up in your family home.

•ASHAWO (n):

1. (pejorative)Female sex worker

 2. (more common) Any sexually active woman who refuses to have sex with you.

When is tomorrow? why the youths must demand thirty percent or nothing.

FACTS

• Where does charity begin? In Uganda. Proscovia Alengot Oromait, in 2012 at the age of 19 was elected a Member of Parliament. Today she’s 21, older, wiser and still in power.

• Kaniella Ing, 25, state senator in the 11th house district of the Hawaii state house of representatives. He was elected in 2012 and assumed office in 2013.

• Pierre-Luc Dusseault, 23 year is a member of parliament in Canada. He became a member of the new Democratic Party at the age of nineteen.

• Wyatt Roy, 24 year old member of the parliament of Australia. Elected into office at the age of 20. 

• Alex B. Morse is the mayor of the city of Holyoke elected in 2011 at the age of 22, reelected in 2013. Currently 25.

• 22 year old Anton Amade Abele was elected to the Swedish parliament at the age of 18 in 2010.

The brainwashing began way back in primary school, matching in line, in plain shorts and striped shirts we sang ‘we are the leaders of tomorrow’ but When is tomorrow? An uncertain future, an unpredictable period of time. For most of us tomorrow will never come, for others tomorrow will come when we're too old. We must demand our place; if we never ask the answer will always be no. The youths must stop thinking like leaders of tomorrow and begin to think like leaders; for a leader knows there will be no tomorrow if he does not build himself today.

Ebola free Nigeria; How we did it.

On the 23^rd of July 2014 Nigerians were high on panic and low on information. Ebola had come and we were all but prepared. That was not an excuse to do nothing. With the little we had we began to do the most we could as we waited to gather more genuine information in relation to the crisis. And though we joked, we did not only laugh as always, we acted. What can this teach us?

·Unity; Ebola was not eradicated by the government alone. We all played a part, irrespective of how minuscule. If all you did was buy hand sanitizers, or simply obey the rule to wash your hands before entering banking halls. If all you did was protect yourself, you did something, you helped. We put aside our prejudice's and sentiments, we worked as one. So if we all play our part, do what we ought to even if its only within our immediate surroundings. Being just in our dealings and diligent in our obligations. Make little changes that may make a great difference.

· Awareness; I do not know if there was ever a time information traveled farther or faster. Illiterate or literate, everyone knew in the language they understood best what Ebola was and the bad things it could do. Though rumors were used to season the meal rather often, we sought knowledge anyway. We did not wait to be taught, we went out looking for what we could learn. We knew we needed to know. We were not too proud to admit we knew nothing.

·Carefulness and diligence; Ebola took hygiene ratings from a two to an eight on a one to ten scale. Our hygiene was almost impeccable. Health care providers began to respect little safety rules they had long abandoned as either unfashionable or unnecessary. We were reminded that standards are set for a reason. So don’t just go shaking people just yet, or checking patients without gloves, yes, Ebola is gone, but these actions remain equally as unhealthy.

   We did the right thing. The government of Lagos state, the presidency of Nigeria, Nigerians. But we must not forget too soon what this experience has taught us. Congratulations to us as a nation on being declared Ebola free.We have not conquered all our demons, but we must celebrate our victories as they come.

The Nigeria of our dreams.

Dear Nigerians,

We have come to this day, the day you celebrate me. I admit my vulnerabilities hold me back from doing much, but you my child, have you done the little that I ask of you? I have fallen short of your expectations and often I stand amidst my counter parts with my head bloody, but yet for your sake unbowed.

Fifty four years ago when power became yours, the things that made you different were what made you strong. It hurts me so that now you’re being torn apart, broken by the diversity that was once your anchor. Once upon a time I heard children sing in my streets, I heard songs of hope. Now I see fear, I see pockets that are broke, hearts that have been broken, and dreams that are dying. I have come to wake you up, to remind you it is not too late.

The change you desire is not in the power at the top, the change begins in the will at the bottom. The will to do what is right. You want electricity, do you pay your bills; you cry out for clean surroundings, but litter the places you go. You demand water in your homes, but destroy the pipelines that lead there. I see your hearts burdened by the cost of education, where are the schools your churches build? Don’t the places you fill on days of worship remind you to be your brother’s keeper daily? Why then do I see hearts driven by lack living off crime on the streets? Haven’t you heard the story told, of the man who gathered treasures on earth for the moth and the cold? What good is a man who gains the world while his brother has nothing of his own? You are not poor because of  lack, most of you are kept poor by your vices. You drink away your earnings and lust away your savings. You want so much my child, so much that you work against.

The time has come to stop playing victim and really grow up. The Nigeria of our dreams is not filled with perfect citizens, flawless leaders or faultless systems. The Nigeria of our dreams has people who are long on actions and short on words.I know your leaders are faulty and hardly do what they should. But you are also a Nigerian; do you do what you ought to? You might claim I do not understand, but I am mother earth, I have known you from conception to the day of your birth. I see you not for what you are but for what you can be, I see in you only greatness because you are a part of me. We all can attain the Nigeria of our dreams.

                                                          Courtesy; Nigeria.

The Synagogue disaster and National bedlam.

I distrust anything that is not a bird that flies. Be it airplanes, pigs, elephants or witches. Flying is such a daunting affair that it is not all things with wings that achieve it, so imagine the surprise of Turkeys and Ostriches all over the world when wingless pigs began to fly earlier in the week. I saw pigs fly over my home when I read the statement after the collapse of a part of the synagogue church building (that sadly claimed the lives of tens of people). I quote "our CCTV camera caught footage of a plane flying round the perimeter, I was the prime target" The overseer said. I want to thank the gods of aerodynamics and CCTV that it is possible to tell that it is an airplane. It isn't hard to imagine the spiritual uprising it would have caused if it were to be a un-identifiable flying object (U.F.O).We will forgive the using of the laws of engineering to test miracles by attempting to build a five storey building on a two storey building foundation. After all ants carry bread crumbs fifty times their weight and neither has any collapsed nor passed out. Ever! Do not forget, Church service holds on Sunday as usual.

I met Asari Dokubo for the first time last week. His beards and chubby cheeks, fingers strangling the microphone in mid sentence in a picture that came after the caption "no girls are missing" in an interview with an unnamed national daily. This was my first impression of the man. It was not a good one. I imagined the wiggle of his full face of hair as he asserted "what international society? Tell me. The same that claim Iraq had weapons of mass destruction (WMD) but couldn't find any? Why haven’t they found the girls?". I understand he may not have heard the saying "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Four months later with enough proof that the abducted girls are really missing, we still hear doubts from the corridors of Dokubo’s mind (proofless doubt, I might add). Ignorance is not a pepper soup affair.

 'The gift that keeps giving' is how I have chosen to summarize the 'Jonathanian' administration. Has kpomo ever really hurt anyone?  Unlike beer, vodka and almighty Alomo that have left some wives toothless and presidents in questionable medical maladies. I beg to suggest that the people Baba listens to please whisper to him (over a few drinks) that if he needs to pass a diversion bill to keep us busy and take our attention from pressing national drama, he could ban alcoholic beverages or better still codeine. After all not everyone drinks, but every household knows the joy that comes with kpomo swimming in the little lake of our soups and stews. It will be embarrassing for all parties involved if we have to advocate for kpomo rights and if need be, we will.
Signed; mama Bashiru, suliat and Bose. Kpomo sellers since 1960(when some people had no shoes)

  

How as little as "having change" may change the nation.

    This article was conceived from my irritation at a sales clerk who had (probably as office policy demanded her to) assumed I wanted Tom-Tom candy in place of my twenty naira change. My first reaction was confusion that quickly gave way to wonder. I wondered when customer service had become this good as she counted four tom-tom strawberry drops out of the jar and squeezed them into my palm. Pleasantly surprised I left the store. Getting home and running my calculations over I realized I was twenty naira short, then looking at the candy it dawned on me. This was only one of many such instances.

    My anger is not at frequently losing little change (as we like to call it) but at the not changing trend of "never having change", the absence of embarrassment, and the sometimes annoying expectant look some courageous traders show (daring to look pleased to not have change). Don’t get me started on the public transport providers who might get aggressive at the idea that you expect your balance, and throw you an intimidating stare as they add ‘ you no see say change no dey ’, or the shops where you are told nicely ‘ there is no change, why don’t you buy something else for the money’. For the sake of brevity I will not mention the petrol stations and the constant one to four naira deficit because we will not use the coins the central bank consistently burns resources to provide.

    So what does "having change" have to do with national development? It shows respect for people’s money irrespective of how diminutive. It creates understanding that a tip or extra sale should not be forced and a service should be paid for at its true worth. Anything extra is a privilege not a right. It is a little thing, i agree, but i disagree with it being 'normal'. How many little things do we turn a blind eye on and call normal that are really not normal at all, and have inadvertently in little ways contributed to the abnormal state of national affairs?  

Why I dumped APC : What Nuhu Ribadu did not say.

I will begin by first observing as a lover that it is better to be said to have been left than it is to be dumped. I don’t know the difference, but the word dumped leads to unpleasant imaginations of throwing out soiled baby diapers. That though is another kettle of fish.

My good friends,

I know how difficult it must be for you to come to terms with my defection to another party, particularly it being a party that I have constantly condemned in the past as corrupt and in active to the plight of Nigerians. But I must assure you that it's a carefully considered decision for which I do not wish to hurt anyone's feeling (most especially those of my good friends) and if I do in the end I do not really mind, I have thought about that carefully too. I'll not embark on a needless animosity with my good friends, irrespective of political, religious (this is most important and must not be left out of the list), regional and ethnic affiliations.  Let me quickly make it known that I did not issue a statement disparaging APC and its members, including Governors Amaechi, Kwankwaso... These were clearly fabricated, expected backlash, by mischievous characters interested in misleading a public that is still desperately demanding for the return of the missing girls, and drawing a picture of non-existent feuds between me and my good friends. Did I mention they are my good friends? And good friends especially politically do not feud.

As for my next step in this political struggle that some sections have been trying to truncate, this would be made known in due time. For now, I wish to assure you that my defection is in pursuit of a good cause, this can be clearly seen by my decision to drop the ambition to be president of the nation and now settle for governorship of a state. It is not for my own good but for yours, and never out of any selfish interests as portrayed by a section. A section that may include my good friends whose names I will kindly withhold, because I am a good friend.  Thanks for bearing with me on this decision, I understand how hard it must be for you to take a break from your hustle to notice my little confusing charade. For those who have been in solidarity with my struggles and still giving me the benefits of the doubt even though I have not really earned this benefit, I'm most grateful. I'll never let you down on this new path from which I hope to never defect again. Thank you!

HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT A CAR IN ABUJA by Elnathan John.

This article is written by famous satirist and Caine price nominated author Elnathan John, and is being republished with permission of the author. 


    Let’s begin with a little definition. In Abuja, walking, strolling or jogging are terms that apply only to people who have cars. If you do not own a car, respect yourself and call what you do by its rightful name: trekking.Everyone who knows Abuja knows that the city is built to keep out the evil people who trek. And the residents largely comply with their hostile attitude to trekking. Sometimes however, a non-car owner will need to trek. This article is for you. It is written to help those without cars, (especially those who have no idea when God will bless their hustle) retain some respect in this trekking-hostile city.

  When you hang out with friends or colleagues who own cars, or go for meetings, always be the last to arrive. If you arrive first the people who come will ask the inevitable question: “Where did you park?” or the more confrontational “I did not see your car outside.”
It is one thing to labour under the harsh condition of car-lessness in Abuja, it is quite another to be subjected to the humiliation of explaining that state of affairs before an audience. You do not want to make a long speech apologizing for not having a car and having those stares of pity or worse, of shock, before watching your reputation suffer instant decline. So, come late when people are already way into whatever it is they are doing. They will accept your apologies for coming late. We are afterall, Nigerians- we invented late coming.
Leave last or first, but never when everyone else is leaving. You don’t want people to treat you like a charity case and start casting lots over who will give you a lift home as though you were an abandoned baby found in a rubbish heap. You can’t win in that kind of situation. If you accept their offers of a lift, they will give you those looks and probably avoid you next time so they don’t have to drop you off. On the other hand if you insist on taking a cab, they will think you are a pompous pauper “with nothing to show for it”. So, sneak off while the ovation is loudest and say you have a family emergency. And it will not be a lie because really, not having a car in Abuja is a perpetual family emergency. If it is a meeting, let them leave before you. Tell them you have another meeting at the same venue and you want to just wait. Then sneak away after they have driven off.
I know the question on your mind now. What if, while you are trekking, someone that you know sees you or drives past? I understand your worry. Trekking is evidence of extreme poverty in Abuja and poverty is the only criminalized state of affairs in this city. People would rather strike deals and hang out with militants and criminals than chat with poor people who trek. In fact, if you tell anyone that you are going to walk to any distance beyond a few hundred meters they look at you like you are about to slaughter a baby. There are several ways of making sure that trekking does not truncate your hustle.

1.      Wear earphones. It does not matter if you have an mp3 player connected or a phone that can play music. With earphones you can pretend you do not hear when someone you know is honking or calling out to you. Downside: this does not always work. Nigerians are very nosy and a complete stranger will stop and tap you to say: “Heys! Person dey call you!” God forbid that this should happen to you.

2.      Carry your real shirt in your bag but wear a jersey or t-shirt and sneakers. This way you can always claim that you are doing some exercise. Or that you just wanted to take in some fresh air. Downside: Because Abuja is always sunny, humid and hot, nosy people will counter by saying: “Haba, under this hot sun?” How to fix this? You can claim you have been in an air conditioned office all day and you started feeling sick from all the cold. Of course the average Nigerian is a medical doctor and they will ask if you are “ok” because we all know that Nigerians like to sit in offices at 16 degrees. You will assure them that by God’s grace all is well and walk away before they embarrass you further.

   There is of course also the knotty situation of having a not so nice car. It would seem that Abuja residents judge a person with an old rickety car worse than they judge a person without a car. Because without a car you can pretend that your car is with the mechanic or you are about to get a new one but with a rickety car, there is no salvation. They won’t even ask you questions that you can provide lies to. They will judge you, right there in front of you. And there is no comeback from silent judgment.

   What to do? Perform only necessary trips with your rickety car. If you have to, apply the rules above about coming late and/or leaving early. Alternatively, park about 100 meters away from everyone else so that they don’t see you coming and when they ask that question packed with potential embarrassment: “Where did you park?” you can point in the general direction of the car without being too specific. On days when you can’t do any of these, respect yourself, take a cab and tell everyone that you borrowed your car to a friend. Everyone loves people who can borrow their cars to their friends and people will fall over each other to give you a ride home.

   I wish you well as you navigate the tricky terrain that is Abuja. Ultimately I pray that God blesses your hustle and you are able to permanently save yourself from the suspicion of extreme poverty and buy a decent car. And do confident things like drop the key to your fancy ride on the table when you meet people. 

Much ado about Ebola; the truth about the virus.

   The present Ebola craze has spun out of control, and my greatest fear is that we will only scare ourselves into infection. These are few points we must note;

•  Ebola is not the apocalypse. we need to calm down. It has not yet been proven to be transmitted by air but mainly by ' CONTACT WITH BODY FLUIDS'. Body fluids include saliva, blood, semen, secretions,sweat. Avoid indiscriminate kissing (no, i'm not kidding), excessive body contact. The idea of handshake transmission is simply with respect to sweat on the palms, not anything mysterious.

•  Personal hygiene is nothing new. We were all taught in health education, Ebola is only here to enforce it. If there is a time to have O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder), this is it. Wash your hands regularly, make hand sanitizers a part of your life. It has never been very healthy to shake people anyway, no one knows where any ones hands has been. So master courtesy without contact.Eat what, and where you know. The rule is ' be neat to a fault'.

•  Bush meat is a reservoir for the virus, find other ways to entertain your taste buds. Variety is still the spice of life. So there is chicken, beef, Asun( peppered goat meat) and whatever else catches your fancy. 

• No, eating bags of bitter kola or kola nut will not save you from Ebola only diabetes. Bitter kola is now rumored to be a prophylactic, a preventive measure, this is very untrue. Drinking salt water will only increase your body sodium and chlorine levels predisposing you to hypertension. It will not save you from Ebola. Bathing with salt water is only laughable (unless you now have elephant thick skin). These are very ridiculous suggestions. Our mantra should be 'hygiene! hygiene!hygiene!'save your money for better certain preventive tools like hand sanitizers and disinfectants, while the scientist research for reliable treatments. 

•  Health care professionals are at the greatest line of risk. The corners we often cut to speed up what we do must now be avoided. Every sample is potentially infective, and every patient a potential carrier. Always wear personal protective equipment's. this is nothing new. We practically are scourged with this warning in medical school. Latex gloves are not an accessory, they are a necessity. They do for our hands what condoms do for HIV transmission. Change gloves between patients to avoid acting as a carrier,and transmitting the infection. still, nothing new. This has after-all always been the gold standard.

     Panic will only make the job of opportunist easier, and never under estimate the efficiency of the rumor mill. In a time of confusion not everything you hear is true. If your pastor can cure Ebola, goody! keep it to yourself. It is after all God that heals. If you are over dosing on 'God forbid' and 'it is not my portion' who am i to stop you? to every man his own. Only as you pray, help yourself; prevention of infection is better than any known cure. Ignorance is not an excuse.

EBOLA; a soon to be ‘Nigerianized’ epidemic.

What does it mean to ‘Nigerianize’ a situation?

    Treat it like sex; everyone knows Nigerians live on the two extremes of the sexual spectrum. Those who talk about it, talk about it a little too much, and others don’t talk about it at all. These are the one's I am most worried about. When it comes to Ebola they might be tempted to treat it like a topic for hush tone, under the table conversations. For the former group it might be a subject that will be talked into irrelevance as they rebroadcast any Ebola related information without bothering to confirm the information as medically accurate. The later hide in the comfort of ignorance and denial, while the former peddle true or false stories and information like Gala in Lagos traffic.

    Make it political; Everybody is a politician and everything is an APC or PDP argument; lately, it is hard to accept things that happen without thinking of political reasons to categorize them. Even public opinions now carry party flags. Positive comments are PDP and any form of criticism, no matter how astute is trivialized by shelving it as APC. There will be no surprise if accusation missiles begin to fly ‘ PDP a failure; as  Ebola outbreak threatens nation- APC’ or ‘ APC behind Ebola outbreak in Nigeria- PDP’. never underestimate the ability of self absorbed politicians to make everything about themselves, even a pending national epidemic.

    Undermine it with religion; Nigeria is not the world’s most religious nation for nothing. This title comes with the ability to leave everything to the Nigerian god.  The right to encounter problems, and rather than find solutions look for signs and wonders. Every situation is an atmosphere for miracles. Arming ourselves with holy ghost vaccines and overdosing on prophylactics of ‘it is not my portion’, ‘God forbid’, or better yet the more dramatic ‘tufiakwa!’.  Ebola-vangelist who cast out Ebola virus will emerge, and  Facebook  ‘Ebola-vangellism’ posts such as 'type ‘amen’ to avoid the same fate as Patrick sawyer' might come after. Everything, even Ebola can become a crusade.

    Ebola investigating committee; a committee will be set up, lead by the very efficient minister of health who said cheerily on national television to a largely still naive nation ‘Ebola cannot be transmitted by shaking hands’(we are eagerly awaiting a demonstration by the honorable minister)  This committee will draft a  bogus budget to enable it run this investigation that will take an unknown duration of time, but no less than a month, and hopefully no more than a year.

  And finally when Ebola is hopefully contained we may still 'Nigerianize' it’s containment with self serving political Headlines such as ‘ EBOLA ERADICATION; sign of efficiency of the present administration-PDP’ or ‘APC- avertion of health crisis sign of good things to come under our tutelage’.

   Everything is an opportunity for opportunist. Do your part,embrace the knowledge that prevention is a miracle in itself. Read the right materials, listen to the right sources and stay safe as we try in our own little way to contain an impending health epidemic.

We only live once.

We are at a time when being 'good' is a bad thing and being called 'bad' is a compliment. When you might score social points for being a miscreant, and being descent is called pretense.

We are at a time when everyone reminds you your're adding weight, only to conclude you have a viral slimming infection when you begin to loose it. Going to church has evolved into a fashionable chore, and being a christian is only required a day in a week and whenever else we dim fit.

If you hate to party you're uptight but you're labelled irresponsible after attending for your first night.Drink, you're a drunk; Don't drink, you're a self righteous hypocrite.

A time we kill for what we believe. Kill in the name of a God that died so we might live. Where worship is now like entertainment, and churches adapt not for the gospel, but for their members contentment.

we are at a time that we crave acceptance so much that we forget there is no pleasing everyone, and life is only time enough to be us. This is why we must often be reminded 'we only live once'.

When the heart turns cold.

                     

"When the heart turns cold it causes your soul to freeze

 It spreads through your spirit like a ruthless feeling disease.

 When your heart turns cold a baby’s cry means nothing,

 A dead corpse is trivial, death seems like tranquility."

-Tupac Shakur (The rose that grew from concrete).

    This is the same old story. We are going over it again because there are things that we know saying once or twice will not suffice. So again I ask ‘does anyone else see the clouding of our humanity?’

We need to stay warm inside, to remain humane. One death should scare us as much as a hundred. It should stir just as much attention, just as much outrage. I know how I feel when I see those headlines ‘Five dead in bomb explosion’. I know the relief. The feeling of ‘thank God they did not succeed’ But didn't they? In the midst of such chaos it is easy to let our emotions drown in numbers. To be deceived by the danger in statistics.

     We do not need to be activist to know that even as we strive to be strong; we must not let this strength strangle our conscience. The worst antidote to a bad situation is complacence. Acceptance. the ‘it is a normal thing’ syndrome, because it isn't. It isn't normal to go out and have this creeping fear in your mind that you might be at the wrong place at the wrong time and go as an index into eternity. It isn't normal to travel the highway in constant fear of herds men now turned high way robbers. It isn't normal to have to say thank God two people died instead of hundreds. It shouldn't be normal to feel this kind of gratitude in the face of uncertainty, because the next time luck may not be so kind and that just one person in the next headline may be us.

    When we are grateful we cannot act, we cannot be moved to demand what needs to be done gets done. That gratitude we know so well when we hear children scream ‘up NEPA’ for the light they should never have to lack. When we are blinded by a false sense of gratitude we will never feel the ice grow and our hearts turn cold.

HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD - Elnathan John.

This piece was written by Caine prize nominated author Elnathan John who has overtime taught me the art of satire.

    The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

    This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

    First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

    When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

    When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

    This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them. 

    Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

    Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

   The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

    The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

    The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

    The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

    In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

DOCTORS STRIKE; a voice of reason.

    Anyone who thought I would say nothing about the most recent strike action by doctors in Nigeria obviously does not know me very well. But what I have to say might surprise you. After I hunted down the detailed copy of the agenda, did a research on the history of medicine and the history of NMA strikes in Nigeria these are my conclusions;

     I will  begin by mentioning  that the various health service professionals swear an oath, the doctors, the medical laboratory scientist, nurses, pharmacist e.t.c different oaths with the same promise; to put the patient first, and do him no conscious harm. This has then left most people wondering why, if they all want the same thing, if they work together for the same cause , do they then turn their arms on themselves and let that which they  have sworn to preserve continue to suffer?. It is okay for a child who has worked hard to demand his own reward, but he cannot demand his reward and dictate the rewards of even the least of his siblings simultaneously. Greed might be permissible but oppression cannot be excused.

        So here we are again, facing another of many come, gone and to come medical service interruptions. To put it in the context of George Orwell's animal farm,  in the equality of animals  some animals are more equal than others, but this does not mean the more equal should coercively intimidate and oppress the unequal. We who question why,  do not write off the Nigerian medical Association's twenty four point agenda as baseless, but we question it's necessity. we also wonder if some of this demands that obviously infringe on the needs of other professional health workers is approved, wouldn't we be expecting another strike action by the aggrieved parties next? and if that might be the case, will this chaos ever end?

How to be an activist.

    These are dire times and everyone must be active about something, be it political, sexual, or personal;  It doesn't matter, because we all need something to fight for. This article promises to help active activist flourish, and ‘want to be activist’ begin their hustle;

    The first step to activism is emotion and the emotion of activism is anger. You must never forget this, and in the instance that you do forget, quickly remind yourself to remember. You do not want to be caught on camera looking happy and relaxed. so in public distort your facial expression. The more distorted the better. And I must warn you, this anger must be what we term ‘healthy anger’, the kind that keeps you out of trouble and out of jail. There is after all no activism behind bars. You must therefore feel a deep anger that analyses, speaks plenty of queens English and waits for somebody to do something about it. You should speak with a passion and advocate for a messiah, a messiah that you must not be. Your activism hustle must obey the cardinal law ‘safety first’

    This is the computer age or hash tag age(#); you must promote your cause socially. Twitter especially. Activism promotes activism, so while your cause is in quintessence take up any other hash tag cause you can find and carry it on your head like a scalp infection. Tweet, retweet and hash tag important issues into triviality. You must not necessarily understand it, just promote and tweet.

    Next you must look like and sound the part, most especially when your cause is at hand. You do not want to be termed a fraud, that word is bad for activism. Let me paint this graphically; to be an activist for nudity( yes, activism is not always about being against) you must in particular first, never wear clothes, or better still never be ‘caught’ wearing clothes, or best never be ‘caught dead’ wearing clothes. You must in fact convince everyone who wears clothes that clothes are ridiculous and scoff at them; you most certainly must not be caught rubbing shoulders with cloth wearers. That is activism suicide.

    You must have this next and final point at your finger tips; it is to activism what white is to rice, because it sums up everything else. Remember to be active as I said earlier is to first stay alive, safe and out of Kiri-Kiri, this next point will tell you how to do all three; If there is ever a law passed against your cause in the time of your activism you must immediately divert. Yes, forget the hash tags of the past and all the talk; dump that cause like hot plantain. In fact it will be best to condemn this cause, delete all post in support of and begin to tweet your applause and humble appreciation of the government and the new development. If anyone reminds you of the past you should quickly reiterate that old things have passed away. To be happy and free activist we must ‘let bygones be bygones’

    Activism is no longer about doing, it is majorly about saying and tagging. No placards, no matching, or even if you intend to match take permission from the authorities you intend to match against, if permission is not granted stay safe by remaining a keyboard warrior.

R.I.P- Right It Please (May 20- one month later)

   The first lesson we learn from the cradle is acceptance. The ability to agree, acknowledge and give in; the ability to put away our logic and succumb to what is. One month later, we have accepted that we will never understand why? Why May twentieth played out the way it did.

   Today is the twentieth of June. We remember sadly, but fondly our friends who transcended in a national tragedy, members of our family who were martyrs of circumstance, children who were victims of insurgence. We have never forgotten but we have chosen to again remind the nation;

   That we do not have to wait for bad things to happen for us to realize the right things need to be done. We cannot continue to be passive; to rely on toxic doses of ‘God forbid’. To remind us that we cannot continue to watch and wait for a messiah, the Messiah no one wants to be. Our voices from Jos, the cries from Chibok, Nyanya, Gwoza and anywhere the circumstance of insurgence has left shadows of lives that are now only memories, as we say in one accord ‘R.I.P’ it is our prayer, it is our plea; that our loved ones ‘rest in peace’ and that those who can ‘Right It Please’.

    It is madness as they say to continue to do the same thing and expect different results; In the light of one tragedy too many we realize, it is not the time to condemn, deny, and accuse. It is the time to act. We have accepted we cannot change what has been, but we know we can change what may be. Fire burns as far as it burns fast. In the embrace of insecurity we are all potential victims.

 IN HONOR OF THE SEVEN 500 LEVEL STUDENTS OF THE DEPARTMENT OF MEDICAL LABORATORY SCIENCE, UNIVERSITY OF JOS AND ALL VICTIMS OF THE MAY 20 BOMB BLAST IN JOS,PLATEAU STATE.

Why we must not forget ' There is God oh!'

   There are many situations we come to in life that we are brutally reminded by the forces of nature of a supernatural existence, but too often nature forgets to stimulate our memory, it is at times like this that we need crusaders like my humble self to bring us back to reality;

    For example, if you are planning to pay someone, anyone, to write your Child's WAEC or NECO examination, most especially the English paper; and you are caressing the excuse that English is not our father tongue; you must remember our first lady’s tears. After all it will do us no good, no good I repeat if in the future your son or daughter is the source of the next national catch phrase, or becomes a marketing strategy for desperate shirt makers. In fact I rebuke all hurdles of English drama in all facets of our life.

 

    I think telecommunication networks that constantly harass us with calls and messages should also be categorically reminded. I imagine that the first lady’s message be played every morning at opening hour, maybe then we will not need to pay fifty naira to get tips on how to make heaven, or better still  on realizing the importance of the message, they might give us the keys to unlimited data paradise. This is how to treat your customers like you took that passionate speech to heart, not by calling us with more frequency than our lovers.

    In summary; when we claim to spend millions on engine oil to service vehicles in the national budget, before we take seven private jets to Kenya, seize national newspapers and clamp down on the media, deny knowledge of national irresponsibility, dance at rallies at the dawn of tragedy, act like a re-election bid is contest or die. but most importantly,  send ‘world-cupious’ warning broadcast messages to our girlfriends when we do not own personal television sets; in any of this situations we must be reminded of  the tears, the passion, and remember the voice calling ‘there is God oh!’.

Christ is NOT a social exhibition.

  Facebook, twitter and the likes since inception, have brought a new dimension to our generation, to how we love, who we like down to our religious expression, but Christ my friends is not a social exhibition;

  He’s not a status update we put up on Sunday, as a substitute to the notions we make public from Monday to Saturday. He’s not a play thing to flow with our latest attraction, like ‘doro Jesus’ or whatever else attracts our attention.

  He’s a Nazarene slain on a roman cross, who knows fear, pain and human loss. He’s a king who put aside his crown and owned our imperfection, a king who lost a fight to win the battle against our fatal addiction.

  I know this to most may sound like religious indoctrination, but I’m not judging; this is only a passive observation. That the most important of things have been made trivial by the notion, that there really is no harm in the art of expression. Like the cross that was converted to jewelry and for most is now only a cosmetic addition to an accessory;

  Because being a Christian should not be solely a public affair, the parade of self righteousness is almost too much to bear. It’s a day to day way of life, for the good, for the bad, not a goodluck charm for when times get hard.

  Before you ignore this as the ramblings of a writer, there are questions that are vital to answer. What have you done with the king of glory? Is he now a means to an end? Or a lesson in history? It’s not about a like, retweet or comment on a post, it’s not about mentions or a prayer shared the most. As Christians we need to make this one modification, and learn to not treat Christ like a social exhibition.

An appeal to the nation; let our loss save a million lives.

  Sound travels fast, then light, then matter. The newspaper reports don’t tell you this. They don’t tell you ten meters from a blast it feels like the apocalypse. It feels like the end.

  They cannot tell you about the tension, the anxiety, the fear. No one mentions that our rescue system was wheelbarrows used to transport victims; they wouldn't reveal that ambulances were cars of passersby who were willing to stop and help.

  The news must have forgotten to mention that 118,200 or 250 dead, that those figures are one. one way of putting together everything; One way of condensing family, friends, classmates, colleagues and loved ones. They forget to mention that numbers are a way of turning a hundred different stories into a numerical index that says nothing.

  No one tells you of the smell of death in the corridors of the morgues, lined with bodies as you try to make your way around, to find friends who never came back home. They don’t tell you of hope, how you hope to not find your loved ones carelessly packed on the cold floor of this room but pray you do, because you know after searching through the casualty wards whatever you find now would mean the end and not finding at all would mean worse, it would mean never knowing, never forgiving yourself for giving up because you feel you tried but didn't do enough.

   Why have i chosen to tell you this, it is neither to earn sympathy nor stir anger. It is to open our minds to the things we need. It would be insanity to say the government is doing nothing, but it wouldn't be wrong to suggest they are not doing enough. We are so busy fighting terror we have forgotten that we need to control it’s effects. In a nation wrought with this level of insurgence is it not illogical that our medical system still does not have rescue ambulances, that there are almost no paramedics. That on explosion it is the police and fire service only that respond, that most of us died because of the long hospital drive. As much as we spend massively on security because we need too, we should spend even more on health, because we have to. We do not want Nigerians to only shake their heads, comment on our post and share our pictures. We want these seven deaths to save a million lives.

May God grant us the fortitude to bear our loss, the faith to not question and the grace to forgive a nation that promised to protect us but didn’t.

Because we believe- A photo tribute to our seven fallen dynamites.

God looked around his garden and saw an empty space, he looked upon the earth and saw your tired face. He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest, God's garden must be beautiful he always takes the best.

 Late Francisa Nwafor.

 I don't think of you as gone, your journeys just begun, life holds so many facets this earth is only one.
 I think of you as resting from the pain and the tears, in a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years.

 Lydia Oluwadolapo Komolafe.

 I know how you must be wishing that we could know today, how all our pain and sorrows could really pass away.

 Late Michael Ogbole

We are believers, we do not die, so we that live will not say goodbye,

Because to live with Christ and call it death is to call his word a lie

  

                                                                            Vivian Chioma Obilor.

                                                           Millicent Yusuf
You will live forever in the hearts of those you loved, for nothing loved is ever lost and you were all loved very much.

                                                             Wingak Monday.

                                                                  Doris Udegbunem.

  A picture profile of memories of the seven five hundred level medical laboratory science students of the department of medical laboratory science lost to the may 20 bomb blast in Jos, Plateau state Nigeria.