Each day I say a prayer
for the originator of the internet. I believe strongly after breast lifts, it
is the world’s greatest thing, helping make my crusader hustle easier
to manage by digitally bringing incriminating spirits to my notice. I remember
a time when I would never have known about the wizard who crashed while flying
from Ghana to cape coast for a meeting. This night
flying spirit is way beyond my expelling power, I am not too proud to admit
this. Such spirits are better left to our pastors who can do the impossible,
like float in midair and raise the dead. Night flying spirits do not stand a
chance against these warriors.
I knew the national conference will be a breeding ground for
spirit hustle, which is why I have delayed my crusade. The spirit of sleeping
sickness, a.k.a Trypanosomiasis and male castration is certainly one we could
not afford to leave out of our ‘cast and bind into bottomless pit’ list. When a
delegate comes up with the idea that all male rapists be castrated, it must be
of a spiritual source. I do not believe any mortal man (or woman) is capable of
such mind blowing intelligence that leaves no room for repentance. I shall bind such idea bringing spirits; not
for the rapist sake, certainly not, But for the sake of their family and
friends. God forbid we have to guillotine Yemi Fasominu’s son’s testicles
someday ,or some girl falsely accuses a man and we only have ‘sorry’ to say after
we have fed his genitals to Bingo. No will do. I am all for creative punishment,
but let’s think of this punishments in naira and kobo? Castration is not death sentence; the
procedure must punish while keeping the human rights activist happy. Imagine
hundred billion naira being budgeted for rapist castration! I rebuke such
embezzlement stimulants.
More importantly is the expulsion of the let us ‘leave it to
God and pray about it spirit. We are not paying millions of naira to get more
prayer points. I am a crusader and I am all for praying, but we all agree there
are things we do not pray about, like praying for Banky W to grow an afro, This
will be testing God!. Plus when we feed you Chinese food for lunch, and pay
millions to hear what you have to say, we want more than leave it to God!
The internet is a place where Life is made easy; digital
signs and wonders. Where we type amen, and money grows out of our armpit; I
have nothing against spirits of good fortune, I will continue to intercede for
their hustle to flourish and wait for the time when we all can ‘like’ our beer
bellies away on facebook or ‘retweet’ away wrinkles on twitter. Good times. But we shall
unleash fire upon all Omniknoweth agents. The breed that cost us sleep when we disregard
those annoying send to fifty people and wait for your phone to ring messages;
God forbid we don’t buy houses or private jets, or worse still we run mad like
that runs girl in Lagos only because we wouldn't just forward those messages. All
this little fear factor spirits shall be burnt at the crusade.
Lastly, I hear a rape movie is in the oven (seriously, I am
not talking about anyone in particular. That singer you think this is about,
it’s not about him). Heaven knows we are all tired of movies from the victims’
perspective. Sob stories of pant ripping and callous slapping; now we get to
see the other side of the story. Alas, the question ‘what was he thinking?’ may
just be answered. I am patiently waiting to have my brain raped by this
upcoming Nollywood classic. I will advice the script writer to wait a few
months though; we do not want to miss out the castrating part, just in case.
With the internet I have come to accept, the shocker of today
is only the norm of tomorrow. When our ancestors exclaimed ‘wonders shall never
end!’ they didn't know how right they were, because now I am certain with the
cyber world; they never will.
