The Synagogue disaster and National bedlam.

I distrust anything that is not a bird that flies. Be it airplanes, pigs, elephants or witches. Flying is such a daunting affair that it is not all things with wings that achieve it, so imagine the surprise of Turkeys and Ostriches all over the world when wingless pigs began to fly earlier in the week. I saw pigs fly over my home when I read the statement after the collapse of a part of the synagogue church building (that sadly claimed the lives of tens of people). I quote "our CCTV camera caught footage of a plane flying round the perimeter, I was the prime target" The overseer said. I want to thank the gods of aerodynamics and CCTV that it is possible to tell that it is an airplane. It isn't hard to imagine the spiritual uprising it would have caused if it were to be a un-identifiable flying object (U.F.O).We will forgive the using of the laws of engineering to test miracles by attempting to build a five storey building on a two storey building foundation. After all ants carry bread crumbs fifty times their weight and neither has any collapsed nor passed out. Ever! Do not forget, Church service holds on Sunday as usual.

I met Asari Dokubo for the first time last week. His beards and chubby cheeks, fingers strangling the microphone in mid sentence in a picture that came after the caption "no girls are missing" in an interview with an unnamed national daily. This was my first impression of the man. It was not a good one. I imagined the wiggle of his full face of hair as he asserted "what international society? Tell me. The same that claim Iraq had weapons of mass destruction (WMD) but couldn't find any? Why haven’t they found the girls?". I understand he may not have heard the saying "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Four months later with enough proof that the abducted girls are really missing, we still hear doubts from the corridors of Dokubo’s mind (proofless doubt, I might add). Ignorance is not a pepper soup affair.

 'The gift that keeps giving' is how I have chosen to summarize the 'Jonathanian' administration. Has kpomo ever really hurt anyone?  Unlike beer, vodka and almighty Alomo that have left some wives toothless and presidents in questionable medical maladies. I beg to suggest that the people Baba listens to please whisper to him (over a few drinks) that if he needs to pass a diversion bill to keep us busy and take our attention from pressing national drama, he could ban alcoholic beverages or better still codeine. After all not everyone drinks, but every household knows the joy that comes with kpomo swimming in the little lake of our soups and stews. It will be embarrassing for all parties involved if we have to advocate for kpomo rights and if need be, we will.
Signed; mama Bashiru, suliat and Bose. Kpomo sellers since 1960(when some people had no shoes)

  

How as little as "having change" may change the nation.

    This article was conceived from my irritation at a sales clerk who had (probably as office policy demanded her to) assumed I wanted Tom-Tom candy in place of my twenty naira change. My first reaction was confusion that quickly gave way to wonder. I wondered when customer service had become this good as she counted four tom-tom strawberry drops out of the jar and squeezed them into my palm. Pleasantly surprised I left the store. Getting home and running my calculations over I realized I was twenty naira short, then looking at the candy it dawned on me. This was only one of many such instances.

    My anger is not at frequently losing little change (as we like to call it) but at the not changing trend of "never having change", the absence of embarrassment, and the sometimes annoying expectant look some courageous traders show (daring to look pleased to not have change). Don’t get me started on the public transport providers who might get aggressive at the idea that you expect your balance, and throw you an intimidating stare as they add ‘ you no see say change no dey ’, or the shops where you are told nicely ‘ there is no change, why don’t you buy something else for the money’. For the sake of brevity I will not mention the petrol stations and the constant one to four naira deficit because we will not use the coins the central bank consistently burns resources to provide.

    So what does "having change" have to do with national development? It shows respect for people’s money irrespective of how diminutive. It creates understanding that a tip or extra sale should not be forced and a service should be paid for at its true worth. Anything extra is a privilege not a right. It is a little thing, i agree, but i disagree with it being 'normal'. How many little things do we turn a blind eye on and call normal that are really not normal at all, and have inadvertently in little ways contributed to the abnormal state of national affairs?  

Why I dumped APC : What Nuhu Ribadu did not say.

I will begin by first observing as a lover that it is better to be said to have been left than it is to be dumped. I don’t know the difference, but the word dumped leads to unpleasant imaginations of throwing out soiled baby diapers. That though is another kettle of fish.

My good friends,

I know how difficult it must be for you to come to terms with my defection to another party, particularly it being a party that I have constantly condemned in the past as corrupt and in active to the plight of Nigerians. But I must assure you that it's a carefully considered decision for which I do not wish to hurt anyone's feeling (most especially those of my good friends) and if I do in the end I do not really mind, I have thought about that carefully too. I'll not embark on a needless animosity with my good friends, irrespective of political, religious (this is most important and must not be left out of the list), regional and ethnic affiliations.  Let me quickly make it known that I did not issue a statement disparaging APC and its members, including Governors Amaechi, Kwankwaso... These were clearly fabricated, expected backlash, by mischievous characters interested in misleading a public that is still desperately demanding for the return of the missing girls, and drawing a picture of non-existent feuds between me and my good friends. Did I mention they are my good friends? And good friends especially politically do not feud.

As for my next step in this political struggle that some sections have been trying to truncate, this would be made known in due time. For now, I wish to assure you that my defection is in pursuit of a good cause, this can be clearly seen by my decision to drop the ambition to be president of the nation and now settle for governorship of a state. It is not for my own good but for yours, and never out of any selfish interests as portrayed by a section. A section that may include my good friends whose names I will kindly withhold, because I am a good friend.  Thanks for bearing with me on this decision, I understand how hard it must be for you to take a break from your hustle to notice my little confusing charade. For those who have been in solidarity with my struggles and still giving me the benefits of the doubt even though I have not really earned this benefit, I'm most grateful. I'll never let you down on this new path from which I hope to never defect again. Thank you!

HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT A CAR IN ABUJA by Elnathan John.

This article is written by famous satirist and Caine price nominated author Elnathan John, and is being republished with permission of the author. 


    Let’s begin with a little definition. In Abuja, walking, strolling or jogging are terms that apply only to people who have cars. If you do not own a car, respect yourself and call what you do by its rightful name: trekking.Everyone who knows Abuja knows that the city is built to keep out the evil people who trek. And the residents largely comply with their hostile attitude to trekking. Sometimes however, a non-car owner will need to trek. This article is for you. It is written to help those without cars, (especially those who have no idea when God will bless their hustle) retain some respect in this trekking-hostile city.

  When you hang out with friends or colleagues who own cars, or go for meetings, always be the last to arrive. If you arrive first the people who come will ask the inevitable question: “Where did you park?” or the more confrontational “I did not see your car outside.”
It is one thing to labour under the harsh condition of car-lessness in Abuja, it is quite another to be subjected to the humiliation of explaining that state of affairs before an audience. You do not want to make a long speech apologizing for not having a car and having those stares of pity or worse, of shock, before watching your reputation suffer instant decline. So, come late when people are already way into whatever it is they are doing. They will accept your apologies for coming late. We are afterall, Nigerians- we invented late coming.
Leave last or first, but never when everyone else is leaving. You don’t want people to treat you like a charity case and start casting lots over who will give you a lift home as though you were an abandoned baby found in a rubbish heap. You can’t win in that kind of situation. If you accept their offers of a lift, they will give you those looks and probably avoid you next time so they don’t have to drop you off. On the other hand if you insist on taking a cab, they will think you are a pompous pauper “with nothing to show for it”. So, sneak off while the ovation is loudest and say you have a family emergency. And it will not be a lie because really, not having a car in Abuja is a perpetual family emergency. If it is a meeting, let them leave before you. Tell them you have another meeting at the same venue and you want to just wait. Then sneak away after they have driven off.
I know the question on your mind now. What if, while you are trekking, someone that you know sees you or drives past? I understand your worry. Trekking is evidence of extreme poverty in Abuja and poverty is the only criminalized state of affairs in this city. People would rather strike deals and hang out with militants and criminals than chat with poor people who trek. In fact, if you tell anyone that you are going to walk to any distance beyond a few hundred meters they look at you like you are about to slaughter a baby. There are several ways of making sure that trekking does not truncate your hustle.

1.      Wear earphones. It does not matter if you have an mp3 player connected or a phone that can play music. With earphones you can pretend you do not hear when someone you know is honking or calling out to you. Downside: this does not always work. Nigerians are very nosy and a complete stranger will stop and tap you to say: “Heys! Person dey call you!” God forbid that this should happen to you.

2.      Carry your real shirt in your bag but wear a jersey or t-shirt and sneakers. This way you can always claim that you are doing some exercise. Or that you just wanted to take in some fresh air. Downside: Because Abuja is always sunny, humid and hot, nosy people will counter by saying: “Haba, under this hot sun?” How to fix this? You can claim you have been in an air conditioned office all day and you started feeling sick from all the cold. Of course the average Nigerian is a medical doctor and they will ask if you are “ok” because we all know that Nigerians like to sit in offices at 16 degrees. You will assure them that by God’s grace all is well and walk away before they embarrass you further.

   There is of course also the knotty situation of having a not so nice car. It would seem that Abuja residents judge a person with an old rickety car worse than they judge a person without a car. Because without a car you can pretend that your car is with the mechanic or you are about to get a new one but with a rickety car, there is no salvation. They won’t even ask you questions that you can provide lies to. They will judge you, right there in front of you. And there is no comeback from silent judgment.

   What to do? Perform only necessary trips with your rickety car. If you have to, apply the rules above about coming late and/or leaving early. Alternatively, park about 100 meters away from everyone else so that they don’t see you coming and when they ask that question packed with potential embarrassment: “Where did you park?” you can point in the general direction of the car without being too specific. On days when you can’t do any of these, respect yourself, take a cab and tell everyone that you borrowed your car to a friend. Everyone loves people who can borrow their cars to their friends and people will fall over each other to give you a ride home.

   I wish you well as you navigate the tricky terrain that is Abuja. Ultimately I pray that God blesses your hustle and you are able to permanently save yourself from the suspicion of extreme poverty and buy a decent car. And do confident things like drop the key to your fancy ride on the table when you meet people. 

Much ado about Ebola; the truth about the virus.

   The present Ebola craze has spun out of control, and my greatest fear is that we will only scare ourselves into infection. These are few points we must note;

•  Ebola is not the apocalypse. we need to calm down. It has not yet been proven to be transmitted by air but mainly by ' CONTACT WITH BODY FLUIDS'. Body fluids include saliva, blood, semen, secretions,sweat. Avoid indiscriminate kissing (no, i'm not kidding), excessive body contact. The idea of handshake transmission is simply with respect to sweat on the palms, not anything mysterious.

•  Personal hygiene is nothing new. We were all taught in health education, Ebola is only here to enforce it. If there is a time to have O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder), this is it. Wash your hands regularly, make hand sanitizers a part of your life. It has never been very healthy to shake people anyway, no one knows where any ones hands has been. So master courtesy without contact.Eat what, and where you know. The rule is ' be neat to a fault'.

•  Bush meat is a reservoir for the virus, find other ways to entertain your taste buds. Variety is still the spice of life. So there is chicken, beef, Asun( peppered goat meat) and whatever else catches your fancy. 

• No, eating bags of bitter kola or kola nut will not save you from Ebola only diabetes. Bitter kola is now rumored to be a prophylactic, a preventive measure, this is very untrue. Drinking salt water will only increase your body sodium and chlorine levels predisposing you to hypertension. It will not save you from Ebola. Bathing with salt water is only laughable (unless you now have elephant thick skin). These are very ridiculous suggestions. Our mantra should be 'hygiene! hygiene!hygiene!'save your money for better certain preventive tools like hand sanitizers and disinfectants, while the scientist research for reliable treatments. 

•  Health care professionals are at the greatest line of risk. The corners we often cut to speed up what we do must now be avoided. Every sample is potentially infective, and every patient a potential carrier. Always wear personal protective equipment's. this is nothing new. We practically are scourged with this warning in medical school. Latex gloves are not an accessory, they are a necessity. They do for our hands what condoms do for HIV transmission. Change gloves between patients to avoid acting as a carrier,and transmitting the infection. still, nothing new. This has after-all always been the gold standard.

     Panic will only make the job of opportunist easier, and never under estimate the efficiency of the rumor mill. In a time of confusion not everything you hear is true. If your pastor can cure Ebola, goody! keep it to yourself. It is after all God that heals. If you are over dosing on 'God forbid' and 'it is not my portion' who am i to stop you? to every man his own. Only as you pray, help yourself; prevention of infection is better than any known cure. Ignorance is not an excuse.

EBOLA; a soon to be ‘Nigerianized’ epidemic.

What does it mean to ‘Nigerianize’ a situation?

    Treat it like sex; everyone knows Nigerians live on the two extremes of the sexual spectrum. Those who talk about it, talk about it a little too much, and others don’t talk about it at all. These are the one's I am most worried about. When it comes to Ebola they might be tempted to treat it like a topic for hush tone, under the table conversations. For the former group it might be a subject that will be talked into irrelevance as they rebroadcast any Ebola related information without bothering to confirm the information as medically accurate. The later hide in the comfort of ignorance and denial, while the former peddle true or false stories and information like Gala in Lagos traffic.

    Make it political; Everybody is a politician and everything is an APC or PDP argument; lately, it is hard to accept things that happen without thinking of political reasons to categorize them. Even public opinions now carry party flags. Positive comments are PDP and any form of criticism, no matter how astute is trivialized by shelving it as APC. There will be no surprise if accusation missiles begin to fly ‘ PDP a failure; as  Ebola outbreak threatens nation- APC’ or ‘ APC behind Ebola outbreak in Nigeria- PDP’. never underestimate the ability of self absorbed politicians to make everything about themselves, even a pending national epidemic.

    Undermine it with religion; Nigeria is not the world’s most religious nation for nothing. This title comes with the ability to leave everything to the Nigerian god.  The right to encounter problems, and rather than find solutions look for signs and wonders. Every situation is an atmosphere for miracles. Arming ourselves with holy ghost vaccines and overdosing on prophylactics of ‘it is not my portion’, ‘God forbid’, or better yet the more dramatic ‘tufiakwa!’.  Ebola-vangelist who cast out Ebola virus will emerge, and  Facebook  ‘Ebola-vangellism’ posts such as 'type ‘amen’ to avoid the same fate as Patrick sawyer' might come after. Everything, even Ebola can become a crusade.

    Ebola investigating committee; a committee will be set up, lead by the very efficient minister of health who said cheerily on national television to a largely still naive nation ‘Ebola cannot be transmitted by shaking hands’(we are eagerly awaiting a demonstration by the honorable minister)  This committee will draft a  bogus budget to enable it run this investigation that will take an unknown duration of time, but no less than a month, and hopefully no more than a year.

  And finally when Ebola is hopefully contained we may still 'Nigerianize' it’s containment with self serving political Headlines such as ‘ EBOLA ERADICATION; sign of efficiency of the present administration-PDP’ or ‘APC- avertion of health crisis sign of good things to come under our tutelage’.

   Everything is an opportunity for opportunist. Do your part,embrace the knowledge that prevention is a miracle in itself. Read the right materials, listen to the right sources and stay safe as we try in our own little way to contain an impending health epidemic.

We only live once.

We are at a time when being 'good' is a bad thing and being called 'bad' is a compliment. When you might score social points for being a miscreant, and being descent is called pretense.

We are at a time when everyone reminds you your're adding weight, only to conclude you have a viral slimming infection when you begin to loose it. Going to church has evolved into a fashionable chore, and being a christian is only required a day in a week and whenever else we dim fit.

If you hate to party you're uptight but you're labelled irresponsible after attending for your first night.Drink, you're a drunk; Don't drink, you're a self righteous hypocrite.

A time we kill for what we believe. Kill in the name of a God that died so we might live. Where worship is now like entertainment, and churches adapt not for the gospel, but for their members contentment.

we are at a time that we crave acceptance so much that we forget there is no pleasing everyone, and life is only time enough to be us. This is why we must often be reminded 'we only live once'.