When the heart turns cold.

                     

"When the heart turns cold it causes your soul to freeze

 It spreads through your spirit like a ruthless feeling disease.

 When your heart turns cold a baby’s cry means nothing,

 A dead corpse is trivial, death seems like tranquility."

-Tupac Shakur (The rose that grew from concrete).

    This is the same old story. We are going over it again because there are things that we know saying once or twice will not suffice. So again I ask ‘does anyone else see the clouding of our humanity?’

We need to stay warm inside, to remain humane. One death should scare us as much as a hundred. It should stir just as much attention, just as much outrage. I know how I feel when I see those headlines ‘Five dead in bomb explosion’. I know the relief. The feeling of ‘thank God they did not succeed’ But didn't they? In the midst of such chaos it is easy to let our emotions drown in numbers. To be deceived by the danger in statistics.

     We do not need to be activist to know that even as we strive to be strong; we must not let this strength strangle our conscience. The worst antidote to a bad situation is complacence. Acceptance. the ‘it is a normal thing’ syndrome, because it isn't. It isn't normal to go out and have this creeping fear in your mind that you might be at the wrong place at the wrong time and go as an index into eternity. It isn't normal to travel the highway in constant fear of herds men now turned high way robbers. It isn't normal to have to say thank God two people died instead of hundreds. It shouldn't be normal to feel this kind of gratitude in the face of uncertainty, because the next time luck may not be so kind and that just one person in the next headline may be us.

    When we are grateful we cannot act, we cannot be moved to demand what needs to be done gets done. That gratitude we know so well when we hear children scream ‘up NEPA’ for the light they should never have to lack. When we are blinded by a false sense of gratitude we will never feel the ice grow and our hearts turn cold.

HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD - Elnathan John.

This piece was written by Caine prize nominated author Elnathan John who has overtime taught me the art of satire.

    The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

    This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

    First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

    When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

    When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

    This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them. 

    Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

    Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

   The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

    The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

    The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

    The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

    In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

DOCTORS STRIKE; a voice of reason.

    Anyone who thought I would say nothing about the most recent strike action by doctors in Nigeria obviously does not know me very well. But what I have to say might surprise you. After I hunted down the detailed copy of the agenda, did a research on the history of medicine and the history of NMA strikes in Nigeria these are my conclusions;

     I will  begin by mentioning  that the various health service professionals swear an oath, the doctors, the medical laboratory scientist, nurses, pharmacist e.t.c different oaths with the same promise; to put the patient first, and do him no conscious harm. This has then left most people wondering why, if they all want the same thing, if they work together for the same cause , do they then turn their arms on themselves and let that which they  have sworn to preserve continue to suffer?. It is okay for a child who has worked hard to demand his own reward, but he cannot demand his reward and dictate the rewards of even the least of his siblings simultaneously. Greed might be permissible but oppression cannot be excused.

        So here we are again, facing another of many come, gone and to come medical service interruptions. To put it in the context of George Orwell's animal farm,  in the equality of animals  some animals are more equal than others, but this does not mean the more equal should coercively intimidate and oppress the unequal. We who question why,  do not write off the Nigerian medical Association's twenty four point agenda as baseless, but we question it's necessity. we also wonder if some of this demands that obviously infringe on the needs of other professional health workers is approved, wouldn't we be expecting another strike action by the aggrieved parties next? and if that might be the case, will this chaos ever end?

How to be an activist.

    These are dire times and everyone must be active about something, be it political, sexual, or personal;  It doesn't matter, because we all need something to fight for. This article promises to help active activist flourish, and ‘want to be activist’ begin their hustle;

    The first step to activism is emotion and the emotion of activism is anger. You must never forget this, and in the instance that you do forget, quickly remind yourself to remember. You do not want to be caught on camera looking happy and relaxed. so in public distort your facial expression. The more distorted the better. And I must warn you, this anger must be what we term ‘healthy anger’, the kind that keeps you out of trouble and out of jail. There is after all no activism behind bars. You must therefore feel a deep anger that analyses, speaks plenty of queens English and waits for somebody to do something about it. You should speak with a passion and advocate for a messiah, a messiah that you must not be. Your activism hustle must obey the cardinal law ‘safety first’

    This is the computer age or hash tag age(#); you must promote your cause socially. Twitter especially. Activism promotes activism, so while your cause is in quintessence take up any other hash tag cause you can find and carry it on your head like a scalp infection. Tweet, retweet and hash tag important issues into triviality. You must not necessarily understand it, just promote and tweet.

    Next you must look like and sound the part, most especially when your cause is at hand. You do not want to be termed a fraud, that word is bad for activism. Let me paint this graphically; to be an activist for nudity( yes, activism is not always about being against) you must in particular first, never wear clothes, or better still never be ‘caught’ wearing clothes, or best never be ‘caught dead’ wearing clothes. You must in fact convince everyone who wears clothes that clothes are ridiculous and scoff at them; you most certainly must not be caught rubbing shoulders with cloth wearers. That is activism suicide.

    You must have this next and final point at your finger tips; it is to activism what white is to rice, because it sums up everything else. Remember to be active as I said earlier is to first stay alive, safe and out of Kiri-Kiri, this next point will tell you how to do all three; If there is ever a law passed against your cause in the time of your activism you must immediately divert. Yes, forget the hash tags of the past and all the talk; dump that cause like hot plantain. In fact it will be best to condemn this cause, delete all post in support of and begin to tweet your applause and humble appreciation of the government and the new development. If anyone reminds you of the past you should quickly reiterate that old things have passed away. To be happy and free activist we must ‘let bygones be bygones’

    Activism is no longer about doing, it is majorly about saying and tagging. No placards, no matching, or even if you intend to match take permission from the authorities you intend to match against, if permission is not granted stay safe by remaining a keyboard warrior.

R.I.P- Right It Please (May 20- one month later)

   The first lesson we learn from the cradle is acceptance. The ability to agree, acknowledge and give in; the ability to put away our logic and succumb to what is. One month later, we have accepted that we will never understand why? Why May twentieth played out the way it did.

   Today is the twentieth of June. We remember sadly, but fondly our friends who transcended in a national tragedy, members of our family who were martyrs of circumstance, children who were victims of insurgence. We have never forgotten but we have chosen to again remind the nation;

   That we do not have to wait for bad things to happen for us to realize the right things need to be done. We cannot continue to be passive; to rely on toxic doses of ‘God forbid’. To remind us that we cannot continue to watch and wait for a messiah, the Messiah no one wants to be. Our voices from Jos, the cries from Chibok, Nyanya, Gwoza and anywhere the circumstance of insurgence has left shadows of lives that are now only memories, as we say in one accord ‘R.I.P’ it is our prayer, it is our plea; that our loved ones ‘rest in peace’ and that those who can ‘Right It Please’.

    It is madness as they say to continue to do the same thing and expect different results; In the light of one tragedy too many we realize, it is not the time to condemn, deny, and accuse. It is the time to act. We have accepted we cannot change what has been, but we know we can change what may be. Fire burns as far as it burns fast. In the embrace of insecurity we are all potential victims.

 IN HONOR OF THE SEVEN 500 LEVEL STUDENTS OF THE DEPARTMENT OF MEDICAL LABORATORY SCIENCE, UNIVERSITY OF JOS AND ALL VICTIMS OF THE MAY 20 BOMB BLAST IN JOS,PLATEAU STATE.

Why we must not forget ' There is God oh!'

   There are many situations we come to in life that we are brutally reminded by the forces of nature of a supernatural existence, but too often nature forgets to stimulate our memory, it is at times like this that we need crusaders like my humble self to bring us back to reality;

    For example, if you are planning to pay someone, anyone, to write your Child's WAEC or NECO examination, most especially the English paper; and you are caressing the excuse that English is not our father tongue; you must remember our first lady’s tears. After all it will do us no good, no good I repeat if in the future your son or daughter is the source of the next national catch phrase, or becomes a marketing strategy for desperate shirt makers. In fact I rebuke all hurdles of English drama in all facets of our life.

 

    I think telecommunication networks that constantly harass us with calls and messages should also be categorically reminded. I imagine that the first lady’s message be played every morning at opening hour, maybe then we will not need to pay fifty naira to get tips on how to make heaven, or better still  on realizing the importance of the message, they might give us the keys to unlimited data paradise. This is how to treat your customers like you took that passionate speech to heart, not by calling us with more frequency than our lovers.

    In summary; when we claim to spend millions on engine oil to service vehicles in the national budget, before we take seven private jets to Kenya, seize national newspapers and clamp down on the media, deny knowledge of national irresponsibility, dance at rallies at the dawn of tragedy, act like a re-election bid is contest or die. but most importantly,  send ‘world-cupious’ warning broadcast messages to our girlfriends when we do not own personal television sets; in any of this situations we must be reminded of  the tears, the passion, and remember the voice calling ‘there is God oh!’.

Christ is NOT a social exhibition.

  Facebook, twitter and the likes since inception, have brought a new dimension to our generation, to how we love, who we like down to our religious expression, but Christ my friends is not a social exhibition;

  He’s not a status update we put up on Sunday, as a substitute to the notions we make public from Monday to Saturday. He’s not a play thing to flow with our latest attraction, like ‘doro Jesus’ or whatever else attracts our attention.

  He’s a Nazarene slain on a roman cross, who knows fear, pain and human loss. He’s a king who put aside his crown and owned our imperfection, a king who lost a fight to win the battle against our fatal addiction.

  I know this to most may sound like religious indoctrination, but I’m not judging; this is only a passive observation. That the most important of things have been made trivial by the notion, that there really is no harm in the art of expression. Like the cross that was converted to jewelry and for most is now only a cosmetic addition to an accessory;

  Because being a Christian should not be solely a public affair, the parade of self righteousness is almost too much to bear. It’s a day to day way of life, for the good, for the bad, not a goodluck charm for when times get hard.

  Before you ignore this as the ramblings of a writer, there are questions that are vital to answer. What have you done with the king of glory? Is he now a means to an end? Or a lesson in history? It’s not about a like, retweet or comment on a post, it’s not about mentions or a prayer shared the most. As Christians we need to make this one modification, and learn to not treat Christ like a social exhibition.