SABINUS SPEAKS.

Sabinus friends always laughing. Them complain, then joke, then laugh. Sabinus ask why so happy?  You laugh your way out of problems? You laugh your way to better electricity? You laugh your way to refineries working? You laugh your way to good governance? Sabinus say sometimes no look at problem and laugh, look problem think solution, do solution. solve problem. Not every time you cry on Facebook, or argue about issues over Gulder, not every time make silly meme about serious matter. Not every time laugh!

Sabinus friend Gaius like hustle, him say him chase paper. Sabinus wonder "chase paper to where?" Gaius say him One be balling like Wizkid, him one buy bae handbag to show off like Linda. Sabinus say ‘senseless’ because Gaius no like work, no like sweat. Him say him hustle smart. Sabinus do the math; smart + lazy + hustle = trouble. Sabinus tell Gaius not everyday chase paper for bank, sometime try chase paper for brain. Chase paper for common sense.

Sabinus friend Paula like say “why government no do this?”  Or “ why Onyibo no invent that?”  Paula  make Sabinus  angry. Sabinus say “not every day blame government and Onyinbo! What you do for country to make governance easier? You hear them bust pipeline you act like you hear nothing. You hear economy bad you act like you hear nothing. You talk of bad policy but you no even know what policy be! You hear Wizkid and Linda fight; you stand up take side and say something. About invention, them invent Onyibo to invent for you? You have brain, what it for Sabinus wonder” Get sense my friend! Get sense!

Sabinus say if friends laugh less, maybe him rise up, maybe him country get better. Sabinus say if Gaius chase paper, chase book, him grow rich with sense. Sabinus say Paula need stop looking outside to blame but inward to help and solve because as man think, so man be, so his people be, so his country be.

Beginning imperfectly .

There is nothing done that was done exactly right the first time. Twelve months of idleness helped me accept this fact.  Initially I told myself time off was time spent learning. I lied. I didn't get better at rowing by resting on my oars, I got lazier. I became perfect at doing nothing. 

Perfection is a smoke screen.  I learnt to be better I first must accept myself as i am, make mistakes, forgive myself, learn.

There are pipes in our lives clogged by the dreams we continue to contemplate over rather than attempt to fulfill. Pipes that years from now will hold nothing but the rot of regret. We must teach ourselves to unclog these pipes while we can.

Try again; at that song, at that story, at that business, at that examination, at life. Try harder, smarter, longer. Always remembering our strength is in our consistency not our speed.

The Great Dictator.

At this time, we don’t need more sultry news, more heart dropping predictions, more jaw dropping conspiracies, or more ear throbbing promises. We don’t need these. The cloud of the forth coming elections has left us weary, awaiting a blood rain. We run high on tension and low on hope. What we need? A reminder. We need to remember Charlie Chaplin.

                                             

                                                     “THE GREAT DICTATOR”

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness - not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost....

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. ....

Soldiers! don’t give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate - the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” - not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power - the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then - in the name of democracy - let us use that power - let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world - a decent world that will give men a chance to work - that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will.

Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfill that promise! Let us fight to free the world - to do away with national barriers - to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!
                                                        
                       The great dictator speech (Charlie Chaplin, October 1940)

image reference: http://www.bellanaija.com/2011/10/01/a-celebration-of-nigerias-independence-photo-story-by-mr-mrs-jones/

What I know for sure.

I know most of us are picking wars of words about the election while those who own the war solely; listen, sign what they must, but do what they please.

I know we give so much; burn cars, blow up offices. Get blood on our hands and guilt on consciences to make a point. We do it all for people who do nothing for us at all.

I know our war should not be fought on the high land of prejudice and sentiment, but we should, if we must, fight to the death to make a worthy difference on the lowland of capacity and worth.

I know we deserve more than this “election worthy only” way they see us. Like we are nothing until they need us for something. If stomach infrastructure is key, where has it been all the while we starved in the last three years? If we will be protected in the future, why weren't we in the past?

I know in battle the strategies are not solely attack and defense. There is also one that lurks in the shadows; sabotage. Things are almost never what they seem.

I know our poverty is not a mistake; our ignorance is not a thing of chance. They keep us this way because they need us this way; vulnerable. I know we are only independent in the history books, but are still heavily dependent on everyone but ourselves.

I know we are too scared to accept change because the “familiar” is more comfortable than “what if" But if you say you can do better, why should you be forgiven for wasting our time with less than your best?  We never said heal our hurt, Visit our injured, or bury our dead. We only begged you pretend you cared!

I know it spells trouble that our best resource is the adage on "the devils we know", like a woman in an abusive relationship. We refuse to give love a chance because, we’re scared we’d be put through worse. But how much worse can it get? There have been too many of us who slept in beds but now awaken at the light of day under the grasses that have grown on the bed of earth that marks where we lay.

       I know I know nothing. Maybe that’s why I see through everything.

 Photo credit:  http://www.facenfacts.com/NewsDetails/13236/kashmir-rape:-id-parade-postponed.htm

A call to arms – Daisy Odey and Kristen Haruna.

 Life dares to bloom on a plain far away, where Akin met Haruna, Haruna met Uche, and all three visited death.

In a city where the sun  rises at midnight, but sets at dawn. I hear the blood taps are still running on the hills, where Akin, Haruna and Uche were killed.

We scream, off with their heads for mutiny! They ran from a war, ran from corruption, Ran to us. They came to our homes screaming;

“I saw her guts, the womb of my mother opened. Not just bones, I saw my unborn sister, Could have been a brother, Dragged out chopped to chunks”
but what did we do? A troubled man with a troubled man, who will save who?
We said;
“Not this day, maybe tomorrow when our troubles go away” we turned our backs in innocence and our innocence became guilt.

They turned to the leaders, who brought upon us the wars, they returned to the mountains of power singing;
“it doesn't concern us that you feed fat in your homes. While we fight a gun war with arrows and stones. We know someday you’d sign treaties for peace. Forgetting those we lost to fleas, cold and disease. So please, for this, look upon us, with a little mercy”
and the mountain grumbled;
“Tied to a barrel, one wound to the chest, for running from a war being fought in the west. You lived by the sword; it’s our fault we know. But then by that sword, you also must go”

A rusty gun, a helmet, dusty boots laid on camouflage. That’s all that came home to the mother who wept into a crumpled green, white, and green flag.

Today we answer the call to arms,
 We without arms,
Our empty hands locked in unity.
Lets for today,
Tribe, religion, and, prejudice aside lay,
And Pray,
standing for our sons dying,
In the forests of the North,
 On the hills of the West,
In the rivers of the South,
lying in the cemeteries in the east.
To the dead and alive,
Nigeria acknowledges your sacrifice

Sabinus speaks.

Nigeria, you see terrorist situation in Paris? You see turn out? You watch professional reporting? You see president?

You see commando? You have Boko-haram, why you no have commando? Maybe commandos rescue Chibok girls. Commando trained for terrorist, them no stand at road blocks on road. Them no disturb with “happy weekend” even when it no be weekend. Paris have road blocks now after attack? Put commando on road? Use commandos terrorize people? I call friend in Paris, I ask him.

You see French president? You see him address his people? Why he no send his own Reuben Abati? Why he no send spokesperson? French president no have spokesperson? Where first lady? First lady no talk? No cry?  Why Obama no speak after every bomb blast or terrorist attack?  Terrorist attack too often in Nigeria for Obama? Or Obama just no like us? Why Obama talk to us when Jonathan no talk to us either.

You see president walk to scene?  Why no siren? Why no long files of army follow? I see few security service officers, I no see guns.  Jonathan ever walk to scene of tragedy same day? No, he go days later, if him go at all. Him need to dance at rally first before him go, scene need be clean and safe before him go. When he go him go with camera crew, camera crew must snap president good side for campaign publicity.

How they catch the terrorist? Plus save hostages? Why they no say “terrorist will be brought to book” Then do nothing? They just bring them to book gbam! Plus avoid killing too many people. French do juju? Or bring miracle pastor? French government wait for America to send weapons before she protect her people?

But we president busy.  French president no busy campaigning, him no busy worrying about gathering funds. Him no worry about billions flying out of treasury, him no worry about strikes here and there. No, him no worry. Him no have worries about past president pestering like housefly, writing scandalous book.   Him can act like president because him no worry about staying president. Maybe we president be president after him win election.  Maybe after February Nigeria celebrate, Nigeria stop cry, Chibok girls return and kidnapped boys too. Maybe after February we Nigeria finally have president.

Forgiven or forgotten

Have we forgotten? Have we forgiven? The 16th of February in Izghe, 25th of February in Yobe, 20th of May - Jos, 28th June – Abuja, 29th of November- Kano. Have we forgotten how we almost broke the internet with the “Bring back our girls” campaign? Was empathy from our president too much to ask?  Have we forgotten the promises in 2011? Have we forgiven the embezzling? Who told our children stealing was not corruption? Isn't a man’s integrity best judged by the little things he chooses to ignore? We can continue to pretend all is well, but can we afford to?

After all, whose children lie in shallow graves? Whose daughters sit in the claws of captivity? Whose sons were trampled in an examination exercise? Who visited the hospitals only to be told the doctors or health workers were on strike, again? Who braved the sun's scourging to occupy Nigeria? Whose children were massacred in schools? Whose sisters, brothers and mothers left for business but never returned? Who dies of thirst at the well of empty promises? Who can save us from this menace? Who votes?

Come February, we will not be caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. We will be standing between the devil, the deep blue sea, and our prejudice. We admire the battle cry of change, but we know too well from past experience, a promise made is not a promise fulfilled. We are standing in the darkness of the familiar, from five presidential candidates we only acknowledge two potential presidents. Politics might just be more like athletics and less like wine, older is not better. Caught between the lesser of two evils, whomever we pick is a bad choice. Nigerians, what reason do we have to vote come February?

To an unborn child.

Dear child, 

Growing up happens fast. It’s not about the numbers that we keep count of but the person you slowly and unknowingly become. The level of understanding you start to attain. Being grown up is beautiful, but I must advise you;

Recognize the job trap. Being jobless does not mean being useless, because feeling useless often ends in feeling life is meaningless. Literally! Man shall not live by bread alone. Do not become an adult with all to live by but nothing to live for, with all the means but no meaning.

When you come to the cloud that will for a period, wrap your silver lining. Beware of the three brothers; depression, aggression, addiction. They come in bottles; they come as cancer sticks caked with nicotine; they come as colorful foil packed capsules. They are often one small thing that begs you indulge, just once. Beware of fleeting satisfaction. The devil is not one big demon we slay once, but the little nothing's that come dressed as pleasures to which we must constantly deny ourselves.

Your conscience is not a nagging wife, it is a cautious guide; the rudder of your ship, your inbuilt constitution. Do not murder it with constant ignoring. What a man can do once, he might do again. It is easier to curb the first desire than it will be to satisfy the one’s that will follow. 

 
Have new experiences.  Soon you will begin to forget the last time you did something for the first time. Routine and passivity sets in.  Experience is as valuable as achieving. It is the inward companion to its outward counterpart. After all you keep your achievements for the world but your experiences are all you keep for yourself.

Most things in life are like fine china, you will learn this with time. They break with ease. Do not let anything that breaks leave you broken; Relationships, dreams or trust. Fear generalization, what applies to some does not apply to all. 

You were not made to be perfect. Adulthood comes with a bucket of excuses where you can pick when you go wrong. “The devil made me do it?”, “It’s because of the bad economy”, or my favorite “I had to do it”…. stop it! You can be wrong, you will be wrong. Explain but do not excuse. Take responsibility. Seek forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Finally, never forget you don't live once. You live daily through your good decisions, and die daily still by the bad ones. Believe in faith, but leave nothing to chance. In the words of Viktor E. FrankL “if you must howl with the wolves remain a sheep in wolves clothing”.

Forget feminism and be a woman.

  Feminism is the new black. Any woman who prefers to make a lot out of her supposedly little self must be either a self acclaimed or society proclaimed feminist. I have come to despise this stereotype that puts together in a box of rebellion, outspokenness, and ambition all women who dare to want to be something. So after one too many confrontations with friends and strangers I want to state publicly I do not know what feminism is I only know about being a woman.

  A woman earns her respect by being respectable, working for what she desire's and not waiting on a man like a sunflower waits for the sun to bloom.  A woman believes in the values of marriage but it isn't  the only thing she's defined by.  A woman does not challenge the strength of a man; she only refuse's to be called weak because she is a woman.

   I believe in what I believe in not because I am a woman but because I am human. We are all human first and anything else second. That alone should be enough reason to treat a woman like one.

Why wait for 1/01...

   Our flight through 2014 is slowly coming to its climax. At this juncture if you, like myself made resolutions, promises, and goals at the beginning of the year you might be taking stock. Assessing the kept, the fulfilled, and the never attempted. Satisfaction being equal to how many do’s we got round to achieving.

   Fact is, we often know what we need to do. The poisonous darlings we ought to kill, the habits we should break, but we all prefer to wait for the famous first of January to begin.

   We must realize the New Year is just that, a new year. It does not suddenly confer on us greater self discipline or stronger will power. You want to shed some weight? Forget the first of January, start running today. Need to quit smoking? Don’t drag that next stick of cigarette. The company that’s doing you no good, if you intend to cut the strings in the New Year you might as well cut them now. Better sooner than later.
   Today, tomorrow, any day is equally appropriate. You do not need to plan towards being a better you next year, enter the next year better, healthier and wiser.

Once upon a 23 year old Nigerian minister.

During an interview session the featured guest mentioned how Nigeria thirty plus years ago had a twenty three year old minister. I was taken aback. With all the compulsory primary social studies education and museum excursions I had never heard anything of the sort. So I did a little research. Oh, the things we find when we bother to look.

Matthew  Tawo Mbu, born on the 20^th of November 1929 in Okundi Crossriver state was a Nigerian lawyer, Politician, diplomat and a figure in Nigerian political affairs for more than fifty years. He was driven into a career in politics by these words from his childhood mentor ‘Fr Patrick Meeham’- “you are for your people; you go and speak for them”.

His legislative and ministerial posts include:

·         Member representing Ogoja in the Eastern house of assembly and House of Representatives (1952- 1953) at the age of twenty three.

·         Member for Ogoja in the House of Representatives (1954-1955).

·         Member of Parliament for Ogoja (1960-1966).

·         Federal minister of labour (1953- 1954).

·         Ag. Minister of transport (1954) e.t.c

The list is lengthy with over twenty official positions, and since this is not a political history thesis I have mentioned only the relevant few. Let me mention briefly, Obasanjo (vice president at 37), Buhari (governor of north eastern Nigeria at 33), and Gowon in 1966 at the age of 32 became the youngest Nigerian  president ever. When did we fall asleep?  We must rise from this passive coma and dump the ‘someone else must do it’ complex. If we are waiting for the system to change first, we will keep waiting. We must learn to serve and serve diligently. Not serving for what we will get but for what we can give. Once upon a time a 23 year old Nigerian minister, that time must come again.

Nigerian Definitions by Elnathan John.

These are definitions to popular terms used by Nigerians. Tweeted by Elnathan John whose ability to create trouble is only second to his excellent writing.

•COMOT (v): To comot means to leave

E.g. If Jona no fit stop the war, make e comot make we see road.

•MUMU (n): 1. a man newly in love

                     2. A dull, foolish or slow person

E.g. plenty mumu people go still vote Jonathan again.

•BLOCCOS (n): Scrotum. E.g. Na only touch I touch am o, na im she come nack me for bloccos.

•DRESS (v): To dress means to make space or shift.

E.g. Please dress so I can sit

•UNCLE (n): 1. Father/mothers male sibling

                      2. An older man known to your family

                      3. An older, married secret male lover

•CLOSEUP (n): Any brand of toothpaste E.g. CloseUp, Macleans, Colgate

•FRIEND (v): To friend means to have a sexual relationship.

E.g. "Na Goodluck dey friend Diezani"

•COUSIN/COUSIN BROTHER/COUSIN SISTER (n):

 1. Anyone related to you, however remote.

 2. One who grew up in your family home.

•ASHAWO (n):

1. (pejorative)Female sex worker

 2. (more common) Any sexually active woman who refuses to have sex with you.

When is tomorrow? why the youths must demand thirty percent or nothing.

FACTS

• Where does charity begin? In Uganda. Proscovia Alengot Oromait, in 2012 at the age of 19 was elected a Member of Parliament. Today she’s 21, older, wiser and still in power.

• Kaniella Ing, 25, state senator in the 11th house district of the Hawaii state house of representatives. He was elected in 2012 and assumed office in 2013.

• Pierre-Luc Dusseault, 23 year is a member of parliament in Canada. He became a member of the new Democratic Party at the age of nineteen.

• Wyatt Roy, 24 year old member of the parliament of Australia. Elected into office at the age of 20. 

• Alex B. Morse is the mayor of the city of Holyoke elected in 2011 at the age of 22, reelected in 2013. Currently 25.

• 22 year old Anton Amade Abele was elected to the Swedish parliament at the age of 18 in 2010.

The brainwashing began way back in primary school, matching in line, in plain shorts and striped shirts we sang ‘we are the leaders of tomorrow’ but When is tomorrow? An uncertain future, an unpredictable period of time. For most of us tomorrow will never come, for others tomorrow will come when we're too old. We must demand our place; if we never ask the answer will always be no. The youths must stop thinking like leaders of tomorrow and begin to think like leaders; for a leader knows there will be no tomorrow if he does not build himself today.

Ebola free Nigeria; How we did it.

On the 23^rd of July 2014 Nigerians were high on panic and low on information. Ebola had come and we were all but prepared. That was not an excuse to do nothing. With the little we had we began to do the most we could as we waited to gather more genuine information in relation to the crisis. And though we joked, we did not only laugh as always, we acted. What can this teach us?

·Unity; Ebola was not eradicated by the government alone. We all played a part, irrespective of how minuscule. If all you did was buy hand sanitizers, or simply obey the rule to wash your hands before entering banking halls. If all you did was protect yourself, you did something, you helped. We put aside our prejudice's and sentiments, we worked as one. So if we all play our part, do what we ought to even if its only within our immediate surroundings. Being just in our dealings and diligent in our obligations. Make little changes that may make a great difference.

· Awareness; I do not know if there was ever a time information traveled farther or faster. Illiterate or literate, everyone knew in the language they understood best what Ebola was and the bad things it could do. Though rumors were used to season the meal rather often, we sought knowledge anyway. We did not wait to be taught, we went out looking for what we could learn. We knew we needed to know. We were not too proud to admit we knew nothing.

·Carefulness and diligence; Ebola took hygiene ratings from a two to an eight on a one to ten scale. Our hygiene was almost impeccable. Health care providers began to respect little safety rules they had long abandoned as either unfashionable or unnecessary. We were reminded that standards are set for a reason. So don’t just go shaking people just yet, or checking patients without gloves, yes, Ebola is gone, but these actions remain equally as unhealthy.

   We did the right thing. The government of Lagos state, the presidency of Nigeria, Nigerians. But we must not forget too soon what this experience has taught us. Congratulations to us as a nation on being declared Ebola free.We have not conquered all our demons, but we must celebrate our victories as they come.

The Nigeria of our dreams.

Dear Nigerians,

We have come to this day, the day you celebrate me. I admit my vulnerabilities hold me back from doing much, but you my child, have you done the little that I ask of you? I have fallen short of your expectations and often I stand amidst my counter parts with my head bloody, but yet for your sake unbowed.

Fifty four years ago when power became yours, the things that made you different were what made you strong. It hurts me so that now you’re being torn apart, broken by the diversity that was once your anchor. Once upon a time I heard children sing in my streets, I heard songs of hope. Now I see fear, I see pockets that are broke, hearts that have been broken, and dreams that are dying. I have come to wake you up, to remind you it is not too late.

The change you desire is not in the power at the top, the change begins in the will at the bottom. The will to do what is right. You want electricity, do you pay your bills; you cry out for clean surroundings, but litter the places you go. You demand water in your homes, but destroy the pipelines that lead there. I see your hearts burdened by the cost of education, where are the schools your churches build? Don’t the places you fill on days of worship remind you to be your brother’s keeper daily? Why then do I see hearts driven by lack living off crime on the streets? Haven’t you heard the story told, of the man who gathered treasures on earth for the moth and the cold? What good is a man who gains the world while his brother has nothing of his own? You are not poor because of  lack, most of you are kept poor by your vices. You drink away your earnings and lust away your savings. You want so much my child, so much that you work against.

The time has come to stop playing victim and really grow up. The Nigeria of our dreams is not filled with perfect citizens, flawless leaders or faultless systems. The Nigeria of our dreams has people who are long on actions and short on words.I know your leaders are faulty and hardly do what they should. But you are also a Nigerian; do you do what you ought to? You might claim I do not understand, but I am mother earth, I have known you from conception to the day of your birth. I see you not for what you are but for what you can be, I see in you only greatness because you are a part of me. We all can attain the Nigeria of our dreams.

                                                          Courtesy; Nigeria.

The Synagogue disaster and National bedlam.

I distrust anything that is not a bird that flies. Be it airplanes, pigs, elephants or witches. Flying is such a daunting affair that it is not all things with wings that achieve it, so imagine the surprise of Turkeys and Ostriches all over the world when wingless pigs began to fly earlier in the week. I saw pigs fly over my home when I read the statement after the collapse of a part of the synagogue church building (that sadly claimed the lives of tens of people). I quote "our CCTV camera caught footage of a plane flying round the perimeter, I was the prime target" The overseer said. I want to thank the gods of aerodynamics and CCTV that it is possible to tell that it is an airplane. It isn't hard to imagine the spiritual uprising it would have caused if it were to be a un-identifiable flying object (U.F.O).We will forgive the using of the laws of engineering to test miracles by attempting to build a five storey building on a two storey building foundation. After all ants carry bread crumbs fifty times their weight and neither has any collapsed nor passed out. Ever! Do not forget, Church service holds on Sunday as usual.

I met Asari Dokubo for the first time last week. His beards and chubby cheeks, fingers strangling the microphone in mid sentence in a picture that came after the caption "no girls are missing" in an interview with an unnamed national daily. This was my first impression of the man. It was not a good one. I imagined the wiggle of his full face of hair as he asserted "what international society? Tell me. The same that claim Iraq had weapons of mass destruction (WMD) but couldn't find any? Why haven’t they found the girls?". I understand he may not have heard the saying "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Four months later with enough proof that the abducted girls are really missing, we still hear doubts from the corridors of Dokubo’s mind (proofless doubt, I might add). Ignorance is not a pepper soup affair.

 'The gift that keeps giving' is how I have chosen to summarize the 'Jonathanian' administration. Has kpomo ever really hurt anyone?  Unlike beer, vodka and almighty Alomo that have left some wives toothless and presidents in questionable medical maladies. I beg to suggest that the people Baba listens to please whisper to him (over a few drinks) that if he needs to pass a diversion bill to keep us busy and take our attention from pressing national drama, he could ban alcoholic beverages or better still codeine. After all not everyone drinks, but every household knows the joy that comes with kpomo swimming in the little lake of our soups and stews. It will be embarrassing for all parties involved if we have to advocate for kpomo rights and if need be, we will.
Signed; mama Bashiru, suliat and Bose. Kpomo sellers since 1960(when some people had no shoes)

  

How as little as "having change" may change the nation.

    This article was conceived from my irritation at a sales clerk who had (probably as office policy demanded her to) assumed I wanted Tom-Tom candy in place of my twenty naira change. My first reaction was confusion that quickly gave way to wonder. I wondered when customer service had become this good as she counted four tom-tom strawberry drops out of the jar and squeezed them into my palm. Pleasantly surprised I left the store. Getting home and running my calculations over I realized I was twenty naira short, then looking at the candy it dawned on me. This was only one of many such instances.

    My anger is not at frequently losing little change (as we like to call it) but at the not changing trend of "never having change", the absence of embarrassment, and the sometimes annoying expectant look some courageous traders show (daring to look pleased to not have change). Don’t get me started on the public transport providers who might get aggressive at the idea that you expect your balance, and throw you an intimidating stare as they add ‘ you no see say change no dey ’, or the shops where you are told nicely ‘ there is no change, why don’t you buy something else for the money’. For the sake of brevity I will not mention the petrol stations and the constant one to four naira deficit because we will not use the coins the central bank consistently burns resources to provide.

    So what does "having change" have to do with national development? It shows respect for people’s money irrespective of how diminutive. It creates understanding that a tip or extra sale should not be forced and a service should be paid for at its true worth. Anything extra is a privilege not a right. It is a little thing, i agree, but i disagree with it being 'normal'. How many little things do we turn a blind eye on and call normal that are really not normal at all, and have inadvertently in little ways contributed to the abnormal state of national affairs?  

Why I dumped APC : What Nuhu Ribadu did not say.

I will begin by first observing as a lover that it is better to be said to have been left than it is to be dumped. I don’t know the difference, but the word dumped leads to unpleasant imaginations of throwing out soiled baby diapers. That though is another kettle of fish.

My good friends,

I know how difficult it must be for you to come to terms with my defection to another party, particularly it being a party that I have constantly condemned in the past as corrupt and in active to the plight of Nigerians. But I must assure you that it's a carefully considered decision for which I do not wish to hurt anyone's feeling (most especially those of my good friends) and if I do in the end I do not really mind, I have thought about that carefully too. I'll not embark on a needless animosity with my good friends, irrespective of political, religious (this is most important and must not be left out of the list), regional and ethnic affiliations.  Let me quickly make it known that I did not issue a statement disparaging APC and its members, including Governors Amaechi, Kwankwaso... These were clearly fabricated, expected backlash, by mischievous characters interested in misleading a public that is still desperately demanding for the return of the missing girls, and drawing a picture of non-existent feuds between me and my good friends. Did I mention they are my good friends? And good friends especially politically do not feud.

As for my next step in this political struggle that some sections have been trying to truncate, this would be made known in due time. For now, I wish to assure you that my defection is in pursuit of a good cause, this can be clearly seen by my decision to drop the ambition to be president of the nation and now settle for governorship of a state. It is not for my own good but for yours, and never out of any selfish interests as portrayed by a section. A section that may include my good friends whose names I will kindly withhold, because I am a good friend.  Thanks for bearing with me on this decision, I understand how hard it must be for you to take a break from your hustle to notice my little confusing charade. For those who have been in solidarity with my struggles and still giving me the benefits of the doubt even though I have not really earned this benefit, I'm most grateful. I'll never let you down on this new path from which I hope to never defect again. Thank you!

HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT A CAR IN ABUJA by Elnathan John.

This article is written by famous satirist and Caine price nominated author Elnathan John, and is being republished with permission of the author. 


    Let’s begin with a little definition. In Abuja, walking, strolling or jogging are terms that apply only to people who have cars. If you do not own a car, respect yourself and call what you do by its rightful name: trekking.Everyone who knows Abuja knows that the city is built to keep out the evil people who trek. And the residents largely comply with their hostile attitude to trekking. Sometimes however, a non-car owner will need to trek. This article is for you. It is written to help those without cars, (especially those who have no idea when God will bless their hustle) retain some respect in this trekking-hostile city.

  When you hang out with friends or colleagues who own cars, or go for meetings, always be the last to arrive. If you arrive first the people who come will ask the inevitable question: “Where did you park?” or the more confrontational “I did not see your car outside.”
It is one thing to labour under the harsh condition of car-lessness in Abuja, it is quite another to be subjected to the humiliation of explaining that state of affairs before an audience. You do not want to make a long speech apologizing for not having a car and having those stares of pity or worse, of shock, before watching your reputation suffer instant decline. So, come late when people are already way into whatever it is they are doing. They will accept your apologies for coming late. We are afterall, Nigerians- we invented late coming.
Leave last or first, but never when everyone else is leaving. You don’t want people to treat you like a charity case and start casting lots over who will give you a lift home as though you were an abandoned baby found in a rubbish heap. You can’t win in that kind of situation. If you accept their offers of a lift, they will give you those looks and probably avoid you next time so they don’t have to drop you off. On the other hand if you insist on taking a cab, they will think you are a pompous pauper “with nothing to show for it”. So, sneak off while the ovation is loudest and say you have a family emergency. And it will not be a lie because really, not having a car in Abuja is a perpetual family emergency. If it is a meeting, let them leave before you. Tell them you have another meeting at the same venue and you want to just wait. Then sneak away after they have driven off.
I know the question on your mind now. What if, while you are trekking, someone that you know sees you or drives past? I understand your worry. Trekking is evidence of extreme poverty in Abuja and poverty is the only criminalized state of affairs in this city. People would rather strike deals and hang out with militants and criminals than chat with poor people who trek. In fact, if you tell anyone that you are going to walk to any distance beyond a few hundred meters they look at you like you are about to slaughter a baby. There are several ways of making sure that trekking does not truncate your hustle.

1.      Wear earphones. It does not matter if you have an mp3 player connected or a phone that can play music. With earphones you can pretend you do not hear when someone you know is honking or calling out to you. Downside: this does not always work. Nigerians are very nosy and a complete stranger will stop and tap you to say: “Heys! Person dey call you!” God forbid that this should happen to you.

2.      Carry your real shirt in your bag but wear a jersey or t-shirt and sneakers. This way you can always claim that you are doing some exercise. Or that you just wanted to take in some fresh air. Downside: Because Abuja is always sunny, humid and hot, nosy people will counter by saying: “Haba, under this hot sun?” How to fix this? You can claim you have been in an air conditioned office all day and you started feeling sick from all the cold. Of course the average Nigerian is a medical doctor and they will ask if you are “ok” because we all know that Nigerians like to sit in offices at 16 degrees. You will assure them that by God’s grace all is well and walk away before they embarrass you further.

   There is of course also the knotty situation of having a not so nice car. It would seem that Abuja residents judge a person with an old rickety car worse than they judge a person without a car. Because without a car you can pretend that your car is with the mechanic or you are about to get a new one but with a rickety car, there is no salvation. They won’t even ask you questions that you can provide lies to. They will judge you, right there in front of you. And there is no comeback from silent judgment.

   What to do? Perform only necessary trips with your rickety car. If you have to, apply the rules above about coming late and/or leaving early. Alternatively, park about 100 meters away from everyone else so that they don’t see you coming and when they ask that question packed with potential embarrassment: “Where did you park?” you can point in the general direction of the car without being too specific. On days when you can’t do any of these, respect yourself, take a cab and tell everyone that you borrowed your car to a friend. Everyone loves people who can borrow their cars to their friends and people will fall over each other to give you a ride home.

   I wish you well as you navigate the tricky terrain that is Abuja. Ultimately I pray that God blesses your hustle and you are able to permanently save yourself from the suspicion of extreme poverty and buy a decent car. And do confident things like drop the key to your fancy ride on the table when you meet people. 

Much ado about Ebola; the truth about the virus.

   The present Ebola craze has spun out of control, and my greatest fear is that we will only scare ourselves into infection. These are few points we must note;

•  Ebola is not the apocalypse. we need to calm down. It has not yet been proven to be transmitted by air but mainly by ' CONTACT WITH BODY FLUIDS'. Body fluids include saliva, blood, semen, secretions,sweat. Avoid indiscriminate kissing (no, i'm not kidding), excessive body contact. The idea of handshake transmission is simply with respect to sweat on the palms, not anything mysterious.

•  Personal hygiene is nothing new. We were all taught in health education, Ebola is only here to enforce it. If there is a time to have O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder), this is it. Wash your hands regularly, make hand sanitizers a part of your life. It has never been very healthy to shake people anyway, no one knows where any ones hands has been. So master courtesy without contact.Eat what, and where you know. The rule is ' be neat to a fault'.

•  Bush meat is a reservoir for the virus, find other ways to entertain your taste buds. Variety is still the spice of life. So there is chicken, beef, Asun( peppered goat meat) and whatever else catches your fancy. 

• No, eating bags of bitter kola or kola nut will not save you from Ebola only diabetes. Bitter kola is now rumored to be a prophylactic, a preventive measure, this is very untrue. Drinking salt water will only increase your body sodium and chlorine levels predisposing you to hypertension. It will not save you from Ebola. Bathing with salt water is only laughable (unless you now have elephant thick skin). These are very ridiculous suggestions. Our mantra should be 'hygiene! hygiene!hygiene!'save your money for better certain preventive tools like hand sanitizers and disinfectants, while the scientist research for reliable treatments. 

•  Health care professionals are at the greatest line of risk. The corners we often cut to speed up what we do must now be avoided. Every sample is potentially infective, and every patient a potential carrier. Always wear personal protective equipment's. this is nothing new. We practically are scourged with this warning in medical school. Latex gloves are not an accessory, they are a necessity. They do for our hands what condoms do for HIV transmission. Change gloves between patients to avoid acting as a carrier,and transmitting the infection. still, nothing new. This has after-all always been the gold standard.

     Panic will only make the job of opportunist easier, and never under estimate the efficiency of the rumor mill. In a time of confusion not everything you hear is true. If your pastor can cure Ebola, goody! keep it to yourself. It is after all God that heals. If you are over dosing on 'God forbid' and 'it is not my portion' who am i to stop you? to every man his own. Only as you pray, help yourself; prevention of infection is better than any known cure. Ignorance is not an excuse.