Much ado about nothing.

                                                                           photo credit :Okechukwu Ofili

The preceding weekend was historic. Let us all pretend we have good reason to be astonished at the multitude that turned up at various centers across the nation for the NIS employment examination; And the immigration service can feign even greater surprise at the number, even though they  were registered. Probably they were so busy they forgot the golden rule of crowd control ‘where millions of people are gathered in the name of hustle a stampede will follow’. That a number of citizens died in this process is depressing. I wouldn't use expressions such as unfortunate or impatient which graced interior minister Abba Moro’s speech. Unfortunate is when you break a condom during coitus with a sex worker at Ebutemeta, Impatience is when you lose millions of naira to Murtala Mohammed airport fast guys. When citizens die in an employment exam, when almost a million people apply for a job with only four thousand plus vacant slots, when graduates scramble for question papers in a setting because they are certain their one thousand naira registration fee is no longer a guarantee they would get writing materials; it is anything but unfortunate and they are anything but impatient. It is pathetic and sad. Now that the fan has blown open the fowls bottom accusations fly like termites after the first rain; the fatal examination is claimed to not have been handled by the NIS but was outsourced to a private company owned by the wife of the senate president and NIS claim had they handled it themselves the catastrophe could have been avoided, if only.  We can all sleep easy though as a panel has been set up to investigate the deaths, and we all have evidence of the great efficiency and productivity of many panels in the past.

In other news, while people died over the weekend in an employment hustle the media are active with Newspaper spreads being bought daily to congratulate delegates of the national confab; it is like buying a page in the dailies to congratulate a friend for being chosen for NYSC, but I’m not one to judge. Since we are in a season of praise; I congratulate Mr. President on his bold move asking those responsible for the immigration exercise to refund the one thousand naira application fee, even though we all know this will be a feat equal to using a bucket to drain a dam into the Atlantic, possible but practically impossible, But I will praise him still for trying. Also for his automatic immigration employment scheme; now families only have to fight and probably kill between themselves to produce three members to get a job ; what does it matter if one person died?. The injured can smile at their bandages and plasters, luckily they are alive to enjoy the fruit of their bruises and broken appendages. As for those who left their centers singing zumuntamata hymns, grateful for escaping unscathed, they should have remembered that the one person that can turn bad luck around is Goodluck. Lastly, I will congratulate him for his speech in Namibia, claiming that corruption is blown out of proportion in Nigeria. I agree. Why so much ado about automobiles worth two hundred and fifty five million naira, or billions of naira lost to waivers, or even about some missing twenty billion dollars? It is after all not only in Nigeria that money grows wings and flies out of the treasury, or people are caught money in cap, or where lawmakers earn ridiculous salaries. So what if they flew to Kenya in seven private jets? Plus how many did we fly to Namibia with? Yes it is very obvious corruption is blown out of proportion, and how little it is tolerated under this administration is even more unmistakable. 

let us all pretend all is well, that it doesn't matter people died as long as three other living relatives gain employment, that twelve million naira is not too high  a price to pay delegates carrying out a national assignment. let us pretend our worry is just much ado about nothing.

REVIVAL! REVIVAL! REVIVE ALL.

    This is to inform the reader of this article Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or still seeking your place in the broad spectrum of religion of an intended cyber crusade, before you write me off as crazy let me make clear the spirits we shall be expelling;

    The spirit of delayed necessary firing and rapid unnecessary firing; we need to help our president help us.  We shall cast into the bottomless pit spirits of bow-tie resistance and feminine susceptibility. The spirit that will fire a minister first and explain reasons to the electorate later, We must banish this spirit of tactlessness to prevent future sagas of months of due process in the investigation of cases of evident corruption, and lack of any process at all in situations involving drawing public attention to an inaccurate amount of money missing from a treasury, not withstanding that the missing is a constant and the only variable in that sentence is amount. We must banish this spirit.  First it was aides, then bank governors’ and now ministers. There is no other explanation logical or not, it is spirits at work.

    Next we shall face the spirit of falsehood. It is excusable to lie when no one knows better, but to lie when the truth is in the open is like trying to usurp the emperor in 'the emperor’s new clothes', trying to convince us you are regally dressed while your naked genitalia swings distractingly. There is no logic behind this variety of lies. It is obviously a spirit my crusade shall bind and cast from Reuben Abati. That he could go on Aljazeera and claim we are winning the war on terror when the bodies of the murdered school children have barely gone cold is only more prove of the urgency of this crusade. We shall not embarrass ourselves with lies that fool no one.

    When you are a pastor and decide to do the function of a doctor or more precisely a gynecologist, there is only one explanation; Spirits are chasing your hustle. We must purge the atmosphere of spirits that would make anyone decide to test members virginity with fat stubby fingers be it religious, political, educational or otherwise. This virginity testing spirits must go.

  In our prayer points we shall include all hackers who play Robin Hood on our behalf. Taking what these telecom agents will not give us willingly by force. We shall pray for their hustle to continue to flourish, we shall pray for more magic Sims and voodoo codes that open the golden gate of unlimited data heaven. We will exclude the ones who ask you to send recharge cards from between the range of hundred to one thousand five hundred naira to get a cheat code. Our prayers are for honest hustlers, we do not pray for thieves.

   We shall also include MTN in our prayers that they find the spirit robbing us of extra ten naira on recharge cards. This point must not be taken lightly. It is even more important than the dispelling of Reuben’s fallacious spirit, at least that is not taking money from our pockets directly, yet. This one pinches even more every time I get the message ‘MTN has not increased the price of recharge cards’ after paying the inflated rate. I Know MTN are too kind to inflict more hardship on a people who are currently searching for their unremitted disputed twenty billion dollars. They are too kind for such obvious robbery, after all  they gave Jane in Portharcourt a brand new Toyota corolla, they are even known to have given another lucky lady an airplane few years back, just for sending ‘yes’ to 3210. Whoever is trying to truncate the good work of this telecommunication moguls must be brought to book at this crusade.

    If time permits we shall include the spirit of social network lunacy, the spirit of type ‘amen’ if you want to marry Lupita in 2014. Such spirits must return to whence they came. Yes, we will not promise men wives like Lupita if they type ‘amen’ and have them end up with ‘Chewbacca’. That is fraud, fraud I repeat! We must tackle this spirit with fury. ‘Wife na wife’, I agree; but you cannot promise me a Mercedes convertible and deliver a Volkswagen beetle. For the ones that actually deliver on their promise, my facebook page for testimonies is coming soon, I am thoughtful and want you to tell the story of how commenting ‘I love you mum’ on facebook saved your mother’s life and how you became a landlord from a one room apartment you shared with your friend by simply clicking ‘like’ on a post that prophesied how you would be a landlord that year. We must spread this good news. That girl who had an accident that we typed ‘saved’ to save her life must come back and thank us for our contributed effort.  Don’t thank me; I am only doing my part in promoting cyber wonders and bringing national spiritual purity.

One;a sum of Tragedy.

    If you die a soldier in combat you’d be called brave, it is a privilege to go forth a hero.  When you die for a cause you understand, you know without a doubt there are blessings in the grave, No man dies for something if he is certain there’s nothing to gain. But when you die as I did, in the middle of a conflict that is not your own, you die a figure; One of ten, one of hundreds, one.  Caught between the cross fire. No medals, no mementos.  You perhaps will get a place in the local dailies, as another random doctored index. Your household will mourn, the nation might  grumble and life will go on.

     I am one of the many who have gone. I was at the church in Madalla, the school in Yobe, in the streets of Maidugri, at the college in Yadi, in the forest of Sambisa. I am in every place blood is shed, reported and unreported.  Those conversations you have about how the butcheries have gone too far, where you sound passionate but know deep within that talk is all it would be, I had them too. I spoke of how somebody had to do something, I forgot I was someone. A frown creased my brow with every new story, I was livid at the killings but secretly I was pleased neither I nor anyone I treasured was a victim, till I was one and they were too.

     I could have spoken out louder, but I didn't. We should have protested, but we didn't. They promised to protect us, but they haven’t. I understand we have to live, and as long as we are alive we think empathy for the dead is enough. Sadly, it isn't.

    I am telling you this today so you would do what I couldn't; save yourselves, save your children. To tell you there is no honor dying a victim of circumstance. You will only be a number in a well written condolence message, a shadow in the beer parlor conversations, a thought behind a broadcast message.  You will only be one, a lingering memory of terror that has fallen. Don’t have faith in the lie it may under no circumstance get to you. Fire burns as quickly as it burns far when it is left unattended. In the embrace of insecurity we are all potential victims.

All we need.

    We need fewer analysts and more activists, people who practice, not cower behind excessive words and defensive antics.

    We need visionaries, not more critics, those who see not only what is erroneous but how to fix it.

    We need not conflict, blood nor martyrs but people who live to speak up when it matters.

    Let’s welcome change, a turn in our thinking. Where there is no more pleasure in merely living.

    It’s time to choose, to take a stand. We can’t do everything but let’s do what we can.

    There’s no other solution to all the tension, the fear we feel is only promoting the infection.

    Let’s get to the point where it is over, where we can walk in the open and not look for cover.

    Let’s get to the juncture where enough is enough, where we choose what is right even when it gets tough.

    It’s not about you and certainly not about me, it’s about the kind of Nigerians you and I can be.

    That we will not only watch our brothers and commiserate with their pain, but will help all we can when there is nothing to gain.

    Today let’s look in our hearts and to ourselves be true. Let’s seek what is right and what is right do.

                                                                                             

   

The return.

    In the time i was away politics has, as I hear, remained entertaining and wonders are still never ending;

     I was told two presidents, the incumbent and an ex became public pen pals. This is the kind of love I envy. Where we kiss behind closed doors and go for each other’s throat in public, Passion. I do not believe the Obasanjo,-Jonathan love affair is over, it is simply in quintessence. after-all politicians are known to be very forgiving; the PDP-APC coupling is proof of this largess.

     My jaw did not drop when I heard Princess Stella Oduah got herself into more trouble, and the resignation (or whatever else it was),  was in my opinion a decision made as early as comfortable as late as possible. The scandal on fake credentials was obviously the last stone Jonathan would allow her put in his 2015 garri . I pray it is only my paranoia that leaves me seeing every debatable decision Mr. President makes arriving at the dinner table all dressed up in 2015. The man has after all declared no such intention. This is why as a child I considered the first come first serve rule the golden rule of fair play. It leaves no room for trivialities such as assumptions or accusations by overzealous aides and over active critics. No smog of mystery to our intentions. That way a man can do a good thing and we will not go looking under his bed for his reason.

    In other business we are all morally exultant concerning the anti-gay law. For once we can say Jonathan has done it right, he has listened to the crowd, now we know he isn't hard at hearing. In the meantime while we go on our gay hunts let us remember patience does not need to fly to India when she has a stomach upset, there is a reason we have hospitals. The presidential villa need not have a generator, there is a reason we have PHCN. Universities we have, leaders have no need to send their children over the sea to get an education.  My point ?while we are at helping God do his judging ,let us also help ourselves create room for better straight living. A sentence on adultery would not hurt either, fornication and double-dealing can come after. Grateful wives, husbands, parents, and an honest nation. For what more could one ask?

    God forbid I say so much that the more I say the less it matters. Chris Okotie will agree with me; it is better to be judged for saying too little, than it must be to be ignored for saying too much.

 

What you say?

   There has been a recent outbreak of the condition ' oral diarrhea ' in the last couple of weeks. This condition presents with cases of reasonable, respected, members of the society not just saying the most stupid things, but being caught while at it;
    For example, yuppie pastor Chris Okotie has declared all Catholics hell bound. Twitter was kind enough to make this information viral. For the benefit of those who do not know him, here is brief introduction; Pastor Chris.O as he is popularly called(not to be mistaken with his namesake at Christ embassy) is a delightful, young at heart old man who has had a taste of many waters. He started off as a musician in hammer pants and the very popular Jerrycurl before he got called into the fold. We were gently warming up to the pastor-Singer coupling( which I hear Timaya is considering) when he decided to spruce up his resume by adding politician to the list, and running for president twice. I suspect some Catholics may have thwarted his political dream, and now he is taking his pound of flesh by convicting them and all their flock to hell. He also is a divorce expert, after two failed marriages and claims to have been informed of his call to the ministry by the devil. This may be true as he seems to know who is What to the dark angel, claiming the Pope is the devils friend and T.B Joshua the son.  Remember,  nothing is said without reason. Our pastor (politician-musician) has based his hypothesis on the illusion that the Catholic church was created by Satan and is simply a religious camouflage, indirectly leading it's unsuspecting followers to the barbeque pit . Also, he slandered the communion tradition, calling it an act of crucifying Christ. This was something I have always know to be a symbol of honoring a memory but What do I know?. He will do well to focus on leading his people to heaven rather than concentrating So much on hell. That is an ignorant manifestation of the disease.
        ' Go and die... ' was the trend in the last week as our khaki wearing governor let loose on a widow. The norm would have been to deny ever saying any such thing, but YouTube was kind enough to take away this liberty. I have always wondered how this videos are captured at the nick of time, but that is another kettle of fish. We have all told people to 'go and die' at sometime or at least we have thought it, but the wrong words, in the right mouth, directed at some vulnerable party and worse of all caught on camera is what I call ' bad news '. When you are an ex-labour union president, who in the past would raise your self righteous nose at any politician who dares confisticate a widows source of livelihood, it is a crime equivalent to murder. Power corrupts,but absolute power sees all sense of reason fly out the window. This is a power symptom of the disease.
          When it comes to the education minister Wike, ever since I heard him say at an event months ago that the then three month old strike would be ' over in a few months.. ' I knew I was right on my opinion that there should be exceptions to certain Rights. He has proved me even more correct by poking fun at ASUU's fresh set of demands, calling them 'outrageous '. This man's voiced thoughts have not been wrong, but we all would be  well off had he kept them to himself. I know better, than to say what I think all the time ( more so when greedy learned professionals are involved ) . This is an undiplomatic manifestation of the disease.
        Alas, I come bearing good news. I have the cure for this pathology. It's called ' common sense'. Next time you're tempted to say something stupid, remember ' THE INTERNET IS WATCHING..... ' and be quiet.

ASUU STRIKE: The Fagge factor.

   The tug of war between the federal government and the academic staff union of universities is a topic Well talked to death. Strikes are not a new weapon for unions, but for ASUU it has presented itself over the years as their only weapon.
     They have sadly become synonymous with the word ' strike ', and the ongoing five month old example has left a sour taste in the mouths of all concerned. When statements were released stating that the strike was politically motivated it was seen as a ploy by the federal government to sabotage this comrades, but with the present turn of events we are confused at their true intentions.
       The time has come for the wolf to bare it's teeth. They have graduated from unionism to notoriety, taking advantage of the attention they have gotten to become unreasonable. We were made to believe the strike was due to the lack of implementation of demands made in 2009, why then is ASUU tabling a new set of demands even when factions have voted in favour of calling off the industrial action?
      Moreover, their snail paced method of decision making is a cause for concern. If the federal government does not meet the fresh set of terms but decides to compromise and reach another agreement on this new grounds, will they immediately call off the strike or will they take this new agreement to their factions and then call another 'Knight of the Templar' like NEC meeting before they decide?
        With all the demands and talk about infrastructure and modern teaching aids we will like to know, do they intend to employ modern lecturers or we shall still have to put up with the same ones who come to class and dictate notes dated back as far off as 1990? How will we bring a modern education structure to the same teachers who believe in archaic methods?
       The greatest cause for alarm is the pulling out of various schools from this action. That tells us the battle is no longer what we think of it. I have always said a house would only cave in on itself when greed and selfishness begins to take priority over the interest of the people it represents.
      It is obvious all sympathy for this union is lost, and we demand to know why Fagge is playing soft ball with the future of millions of Nigerian students, paying no mind that what is sport to him is death to us. In the end the million dollar question is: has ASUU overtime done education more harm than good?