The danger of statistics.

    We never forget our first. I remember the first bomb blast that brought this nightmare into our homes. Surprise greeted this story coldly at the door and while we criticized, we wondered why? Today Bomb blasts are gently warming up into a norm. Of course, when these things happen we still ask why, we still criticize but the humane shock is gone, casualty has lost the element of surprise. Our first question is no longer why? But how many people died? We find consolation in numbers, where lives will be condensed into a few neat incorrect figures. The magnitude of this numbers determines the enormity of our grief.

    Today we are alarmed; two hundred of our girls have been taken. Two hundred is a good number. One is not; five is not. Our slumbering humanity needs victims in hundreds to jeer it awake every now and then. We have taken to our keyboards again, to digitally fight this physical war. I close my eyes and try to imagine the fear of captivity, the trauma of being in a coven of not knowing. Sadly, I know what I imagine is nothing close to the reality.

    ‘We are winning the war on terror’ are intended as words of comfort, this and stories of similar invention. Stories that try to mask the surface of the damage while the wound rots underneath, but my brethren there is no comfort in the embrace of false security.

    We are tired of the faceless statistics; there is only so much emotion random figures can elicit, let us find names, let us find faces. The least we can do is to begin to humanize this inhuman situation. We want to know the girls behind the figures.

#BRINGBACKOURGIRLS #BRINGBACKSECURITY #BRINGBACKJUSTICE.

cyber signs,confab spirituality and other stories

    Each day I say a prayer for the originator of the internet. I believe strongly after breast lifts, it is the world’s greatest thing, helping make my crusader hustle easier to manage by digitally bringing incriminating spirits to my notice. I remember a time when I would never have known about the wizard who crashed while flying from Ghana to cape coast for a meeting. This night flying spirit is way beyond my expelling power, I am not too proud to admit this. Such spirits are better left to our pastors who can do the impossible, like float in midair and raise the dead. Night flying spirits do not stand a chance against these warriors.

   I knew the national conference will be a breeding ground for spirit hustle, which is why I have delayed my crusade. The spirit of sleeping sickness, a.k.a Trypanosomiasis and male castration is certainly one we could not afford to leave out of our ‘cast and bind into bottomless pit’ list. When a delegate comes up with the idea that all male rapists be castrated, it must be of a spiritual source. I do not believe any mortal man (or woman) is capable of such mind blowing intelligence that leaves no room for repentance.  I shall bind such idea bringing spirits; not for the rapist sake, certainly not, But for the sake of their family and friends. God forbid we have to guillotine Yemi Fasominu’s son’s testicles someday ,or some girl falsely accuses a man and we only have ‘sorry’ to say after we have fed his genitals to Bingo. No will do. I am all for creative punishment, but let’s think of this punishments in naira and kobo?  Castration is not death sentence; the procedure must punish while keeping the human rights activist happy. Imagine hundred billion naira being budgeted for rapist castration! I rebuke such embezzlement stimulants.

   More importantly is the expulsion of the let us ‘leave it to God and pray about it spirit. We are not paying millions of naira to get more prayer points. I am a crusader and I am all for praying, but we all agree there are things we do not pray about, like praying for Banky W to grow an afro, This will be testing God!. Plus when we feed you Chinese food for lunch, and pay millions to hear what you have to say, we want more than leave it to God!

  The internet is a place where Life is made easy; digital signs and wonders. Where we type amen, and money grows out of our armpit; I have nothing against spirits of good fortune, I will continue to intercede for their hustle to flourish and wait for the time when we all can ‘like’ our beer bellies away on facebook or ‘retweet’ away wrinkles on twitter. Good times. But we shall unleash fire upon all Omniknoweth agents. The breed that cost us sleep when we disregard those annoying send to fifty people and wait for your phone to ring messages; God forbid we don’t buy houses or private jets, or worse still we run mad like that runs girl in Lagos only because we wouldn't just forward those messages. All this little fear factor spirits shall be burnt at the crusade.

   Lastly, I hear a rape movie is in the oven (seriously, I am not talking about anyone in particular. That singer you think this is about, it’s not about him). Heaven knows we are all tired of movies from the victims’ perspective. Sob stories of pant ripping and callous slapping; now we get to see the other side of the story. Alas, the question ‘what was he thinking?’ may just be answered. I am patiently waiting to have my brain raped by this upcoming Nollywood classic. I will advice the script writer to wait a few months though; we do not want to miss out the castrating part, just in case.

With the internet I have come to accept, the shocker of today is only the norm of tomorrow. When our ancestors exclaimed ‘wonders shall never end!’ they didn't know how right they were, because now I am certain with the cyber world; they never will.

Much ado about nothing.

                                                                           photo credit :Okechukwu Ofili

The preceding weekend was historic. Let us all pretend we have good reason to be astonished at the multitude that turned up at various centers across the nation for the NIS employment examination; And the immigration service can feign even greater surprise at the number, even though they  were registered. Probably they were so busy they forgot the golden rule of crowd control ‘where millions of people are gathered in the name of hustle a stampede will follow’. That a number of citizens died in this process is depressing. I wouldn't use expressions such as unfortunate or impatient which graced interior minister Abba Moro’s speech. Unfortunate is when you break a condom during coitus with a sex worker at Ebutemeta, Impatience is when you lose millions of naira to Murtala Mohammed airport fast guys. When citizens die in an employment exam, when almost a million people apply for a job with only four thousand plus vacant slots, when graduates scramble for question papers in a setting because they are certain their one thousand naira registration fee is no longer a guarantee they would get writing materials; it is anything but unfortunate and they are anything but impatient. It is pathetic and sad. Now that the fan has blown open the fowls bottom accusations fly like termites after the first rain; the fatal examination is claimed to not have been handled by the NIS but was outsourced to a private company owned by the wife of the senate president and NIS claim had they handled it themselves the catastrophe could have been avoided, if only.  We can all sleep easy though as a panel has been set up to investigate the deaths, and we all have evidence of the great efficiency and productivity of many panels in the past.

In other news, while people died over the weekend in an employment hustle the media are active with Newspaper spreads being bought daily to congratulate delegates of the national confab; it is like buying a page in the dailies to congratulate a friend for being chosen for NYSC, but I’m not one to judge. Since we are in a season of praise; I congratulate Mr. President on his bold move asking those responsible for the immigration exercise to refund the one thousand naira application fee, even though we all know this will be a feat equal to using a bucket to drain a dam into the Atlantic, possible but practically impossible, But I will praise him still for trying. Also for his automatic immigration employment scheme; now families only have to fight and probably kill between themselves to produce three members to get a job ; what does it matter if one person died?. The injured can smile at their bandages and plasters, luckily they are alive to enjoy the fruit of their bruises and broken appendages. As for those who left their centers singing zumuntamata hymns, grateful for escaping unscathed, they should have remembered that the one person that can turn bad luck around is Goodluck. Lastly, I will congratulate him for his speech in Namibia, claiming that corruption is blown out of proportion in Nigeria. I agree. Why so much ado about automobiles worth two hundred and fifty five million naira, or billions of naira lost to waivers, or even about some missing twenty billion dollars? It is after all not only in Nigeria that money grows wings and flies out of the treasury, or people are caught money in cap, or where lawmakers earn ridiculous salaries. So what if they flew to Kenya in seven private jets? Plus how many did we fly to Namibia with? Yes it is very obvious corruption is blown out of proportion, and how little it is tolerated under this administration is even more unmistakable. 

let us all pretend all is well, that it doesn't matter people died as long as three other living relatives gain employment, that twelve million naira is not too high  a price to pay delegates carrying out a national assignment. let us pretend our worry is just much ado about nothing.

REVIVAL! REVIVAL! REVIVE ALL.

    This is to inform the reader of this article Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or still seeking your place in the broad spectrum of religion of an intended cyber crusade, before you write me off as crazy let me make clear the spirits we shall be expelling;

    The spirit of delayed necessary firing and rapid unnecessary firing; we need to help our president help us.  We shall cast into the bottomless pit spirits of bow-tie resistance and feminine susceptibility. The spirit that will fire a minister first and explain reasons to the electorate later, We must banish this spirit of tactlessness to prevent future sagas of months of due process in the investigation of cases of evident corruption, and lack of any process at all in situations involving drawing public attention to an inaccurate amount of money missing from a treasury, not withstanding that the missing is a constant and the only variable in that sentence is amount. We must banish this spirit.  First it was aides, then bank governors’ and now ministers. There is no other explanation logical or not, it is spirits at work.

    Next we shall face the spirit of falsehood. It is excusable to lie when no one knows better, but to lie when the truth is in the open is like trying to usurp the emperor in 'the emperor’s new clothes', trying to convince us you are regally dressed while your naked genitalia swings distractingly. There is no logic behind this variety of lies. It is obviously a spirit my crusade shall bind and cast from Reuben Abati. That he could go on Aljazeera and claim we are winning the war on terror when the bodies of the murdered school children have barely gone cold is only more prove of the urgency of this crusade. We shall not embarrass ourselves with lies that fool no one.

    When you are a pastor and decide to do the function of a doctor or more precisely a gynecologist, there is only one explanation; Spirits are chasing your hustle. We must purge the atmosphere of spirits that would make anyone decide to test members virginity with fat stubby fingers be it religious, political, educational or otherwise. This virginity testing spirits must go.

  In our prayer points we shall include all hackers who play Robin Hood on our behalf. Taking what these telecom agents will not give us willingly by force. We shall pray for their hustle to continue to flourish, we shall pray for more magic Sims and voodoo codes that open the golden gate of unlimited data heaven. We will exclude the ones who ask you to send recharge cards from between the range of hundred to one thousand five hundred naira to get a cheat code. Our prayers are for honest hustlers, we do not pray for thieves.

   We shall also include MTN in our prayers that they find the spirit robbing us of extra ten naira on recharge cards. This point must not be taken lightly. It is even more important than the dispelling of Reuben’s fallacious spirit, at least that is not taking money from our pockets directly, yet. This one pinches even more every time I get the message ‘MTN has not increased the price of recharge cards’ after paying the inflated rate. I Know MTN are too kind to inflict more hardship on a people who are currently searching for their unremitted disputed twenty billion dollars. They are too kind for such obvious robbery, after all  they gave Jane in Portharcourt a brand new Toyota corolla, they are even known to have given another lucky lady an airplane few years back, just for sending ‘yes’ to 3210. Whoever is trying to truncate the good work of this telecommunication moguls must be brought to book at this crusade.

    If time permits we shall include the spirit of social network lunacy, the spirit of type ‘amen’ if you want to marry Lupita in 2014. Such spirits must return to whence they came. Yes, we will not promise men wives like Lupita if they type ‘amen’ and have them end up with ‘Chewbacca’. That is fraud, fraud I repeat! We must tackle this spirit with fury. ‘Wife na wife’, I agree; but you cannot promise me a Mercedes convertible and deliver a Volkswagen beetle. For the ones that actually deliver on their promise, my facebook page for testimonies is coming soon, I am thoughtful and want you to tell the story of how commenting ‘I love you mum’ on facebook saved your mother’s life and how you became a landlord from a one room apartment you shared with your friend by simply clicking ‘like’ on a post that prophesied how you would be a landlord that year. We must spread this good news. That girl who had an accident that we typed ‘saved’ to save her life must come back and thank us for our contributed effort.  Don’t thank me; I am only doing my part in promoting cyber wonders and bringing national spiritual purity.

One;a sum of Tragedy.

    If you die a soldier in combat you’d be called brave, it is a privilege to go forth a hero.  When you die for a cause you understand, you know without a doubt there are blessings in the grave, No man dies for something if he is certain there’s nothing to gain. But when you die as I did, in the middle of a conflict that is not your own, you die a figure; One of ten, one of hundreds, one.  Caught between the cross fire. No medals, no mementos.  You perhaps will get a place in the local dailies, as another random doctored index. Your household will mourn, the nation might  grumble and life will go on.

     I am one of the many who have gone. I was at the church in Madalla, the school in Yobe, in the streets of Maidugri, at the college in Yadi, in the forest of Sambisa. I am in every place blood is shed, reported and unreported.  Those conversations you have about how the butcheries have gone too far, where you sound passionate but know deep within that talk is all it would be, I had them too. I spoke of how somebody had to do something, I forgot I was someone. A frown creased my brow with every new story, I was livid at the killings but secretly I was pleased neither I nor anyone I treasured was a victim, till I was one and they were too.

     I could have spoken out louder, but I didn't. We should have protested, but we didn't. They promised to protect us, but they haven’t. I understand we have to live, and as long as we are alive we think empathy for the dead is enough. Sadly, it isn't.

    I am telling you this today so you would do what I couldn't; save yourselves, save your children. To tell you there is no honor dying a victim of circumstance. You will only be a number in a well written condolence message, a shadow in the beer parlor conversations, a thought behind a broadcast message.  You will only be one, a lingering memory of terror that has fallen. Don’t have faith in the lie it may under no circumstance get to you. Fire burns as quickly as it burns far when it is left unattended. In the embrace of insecurity we are all potential victims.

All we need.

    We need fewer analysts and more activists, people who practice, not cower behind excessive words and defensive antics.

    We need visionaries, not more critics, those who see not only what is erroneous but how to fix it.

    We need not conflict, blood nor martyrs but people who live to speak up when it matters.

    Let’s welcome change, a turn in our thinking. Where there is no more pleasure in merely living.

    It’s time to choose, to take a stand. We can’t do everything but let’s do what we can.

    There’s no other solution to all the tension, the fear we feel is only promoting the infection.

    Let’s get to the point where it is over, where we can walk in the open and not look for cover.

    Let’s get to the juncture where enough is enough, where we choose what is right even when it gets tough.

    It’s not about you and certainly not about me, it’s about the kind of Nigerians you and I can be.

    That we will not only watch our brothers and commiserate with their pain, but will help all we can when there is nothing to gain.

    Today let’s look in our hearts and to ourselves be true. Let’s seek what is right and what is right do.

                                                                                             

   

The return.

    In the time i was away politics has, as I hear, remained entertaining and wonders are still never ending;

     I was told two presidents, the incumbent and an ex became public pen pals. This is the kind of love I envy. Where we kiss behind closed doors and go for each other’s throat in public, Passion. I do not believe the Obasanjo,-Jonathan love affair is over, it is simply in quintessence. after-all politicians are known to be very forgiving; the PDP-APC coupling is proof of this largess.

     My jaw did not drop when I heard Princess Stella Oduah got herself into more trouble, and the resignation (or whatever else it was),  was in my opinion a decision made as early as comfortable as late as possible. The scandal on fake credentials was obviously the last stone Jonathan would allow her put in his 2015 garri . I pray it is only my paranoia that leaves me seeing every debatable decision Mr. President makes arriving at the dinner table all dressed up in 2015. The man has after all declared no such intention. This is why as a child I considered the first come first serve rule the golden rule of fair play. It leaves no room for trivialities such as assumptions or accusations by overzealous aides and over active critics. No smog of mystery to our intentions. That way a man can do a good thing and we will not go looking under his bed for his reason.

    In other business we are all morally exultant concerning the anti-gay law. For once we can say Jonathan has done it right, he has listened to the crowd, now we know he isn't hard at hearing. In the meantime while we go on our gay hunts let us remember patience does not need to fly to India when she has a stomach upset, there is a reason we have hospitals. The presidential villa need not have a generator, there is a reason we have PHCN. Universities we have, leaders have no need to send their children over the sea to get an education.  My point ?while we are at helping God do his judging ,let us also help ourselves create room for better straight living. A sentence on adultery would not hurt either, fornication and double-dealing can come after. Grateful wives, husbands, parents, and an honest nation. For what more could one ask?

    God forbid I say so much that the more I say the less it matters. Chris Okotie will agree with me; it is better to be judged for saying too little, than it must be to be ignored for saying too much.