EBOLA; a soon to be ‘Nigerianized’ epidemic.

What does it mean to ‘Nigerianize’ a situation?

    Treat it like sex; everyone knows Nigerians live on the two extremes of the sexual spectrum. Those who talk about it, talk about it a little too much, and others don’t talk about it at all. These are the one's I am most worried about. When it comes to Ebola they might be tempted to treat it like a topic for hush tone, under the table conversations. For the former group it might be a subject that will be talked into irrelevance as they rebroadcast any Ebola related information without bothering to confirm the information as medically accurate. The later hide in the comfort of ignorance and denial, while the former peddle true or false stories and information like Gala in Lagos traffic.

    Make it political; Everybody is a politician and everything is an APC or PDP argument; lately, it is hard to accept things that happen without thinking of political reasons to categorize them. Even public opinions now carry party flags. Positive comments are PDP and any form of criticism, no matter how astute is trivialized by shelving it as APC. There will be no surprise if accusation missiles begin to fly ‘ PDP a failure; as  Ebola outbreak threatens nation- APC’ or ‘ APC behind Ebola outbreak in Nigeria- PDP’. never underestimate the ability of self absorbed politicians to make everything about themselves, even a pending national epidemic.

    Undermine it with religion; Nigeria is not the world’s most religious nation for nothing. This title comes with the ability to leave everything to the Nigerian god.  The right to encounter problems, and rather than find solutions look for signs and wonders. Every situation is an atmosphere for miracles. Arming ourselves with holy ghost vaccines and overdosing on prophylactics of ‘it is not my portion’, ‘God forbid’, or better yet the more dramatic ‘tufiakwa!’.  Ebola-vangelist who cast out Ebola virus will emerge, and  Facebook  ‘Ebola-vangellism’ posts such as 'type ‘amen’ to avoid the same fate as Patrick sawyer' might come after. Everything, even Ebola can become a crusade.

    Ebola investigating committee; a committee will be set up, lead by the very efficient minister of health who said cheerily on national television to a largely still naive nation ‘Ebola cannot be transmitted by shaking hands’(we are eagerly awaiting a demonstration by the honorable minister)  This committee will draft a  bogus budget to enable it run this investigation that will take an unknown duration of time, but no less than a month, and hopefully no more than a year.

  And finally when Ebola is hopefully contained we may still 'Nigerianize' it’s containment with self serving political Headlines such as ‘ EBOLA ERADICATION; sign of efficiency of the present administration-PDP’ or ‘APC- avertion of health crisis sign of good things to come under our tutelage’.

   Everything is an opportunity for opportunist. Do your part,embrace the knowledge that prevention is a miracle in itself. Read the right materials, listen to the right sources and stay safe as we try in our own little way to contain an impending health epidemic.

We only live once.

We are at a time when being 'good' is a bad thing and being called 'bad' is a compliment. When you might score social points for being a miscreant, and being descent is called pretense.

We are at a time when everyone reminds you your're adding weight, only to conclude you have a viral slimming infection when you begin to loose it. Going to church has evolved into a fashionable chore, and being a christian is only required a day in a week and whenever else we dim fit.

If you hate to party you're uptight but you're labelled irresponsible after attending for your first night.Drink, you're a drunk; Don't drink, you're a self righteous hypocrite.

A time we kill for what we believe. Kill in the name of a God that died so we might live. Where worship is now like entertainment, and churches adapt not for the gospel, but for their members contentment.

we are at a time that we crave acceptance so much that we forget there is no pleasing everyone, and life is only time enough to be us. This is why we must often be reminded 'we only live once'.

When the heart turns cold.

                     

"When the heart turns cold it causes your soul to freeze

 It spreads through your spirit like a ruthless feeling disease.

 When your heart turns cold a baby’s cry means nothing,

 A dead corpse is trivial, death seems like tranquility."

-Tupac Shakur (The rose that grew from concrete).

    This is the same old story. We are going over it again because there are things that we know saying once or twice will not suffice. So again I ask ‘does anyone else see the clouding of our humanity?’

We need to stay warm inside, to remain humane. One death should scare us as much as a hundred. It should stir just as much attention, just as much outrage. I know how I feel when I see those headlines ‘Five dead in bomb explosion’. I know the relief. The feeling of ‘thank God they did not succeed’ But didn't they? In the midst of such chaos it is easy to let our emotions drown in numbers. To be deceived by the danger in statistics.

     We do not need to be activist to know that even as we strive to be strong; we must not let this strength strangle our conscience. The worst antidote to a bad situation is complacence. Acceptance. the ‘it is a normal thing’ syndrome, because it isn't. It isn't normal to go out and have this creeping fear in your mind that you might be at the wrong place at the wrong time and go as an index into eternity. It isn't normal to travel the highway in constant fear of herds men now turned high way robbers. It isn't normal to have to say thank God two people died instead of hundreds. It shouldn't be normal to feel this kind of gratitude in the face of uncertainty, because the next time luck may not be so kind and that just one person in the next headline may be us.

    When we are grateful we cannot act, we cannot be moved to demand what needs to be done gets done. That gratitude we know so well when we hear children scream ‘up NEPA’ for the light they should never have to lack. When we are blinded by a false sense of gratitude we will never feel the ice grow and our hearts turn cold.

HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD - Elnathan John.

This piece was written by Caine prize nominated author Elnathan John who has overtime taught me the art of satire.

    The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

    This article is for all those who want to become better worshipers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

    First, you must understand that being a worshiper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

    When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

    When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

    This is how the Nigerian god judges people who are your enemies- evil people who want to spoil your hustle; like your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; like your single old aunties who secretly don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); like all your neighbours who are stopping you from getting pregnant: He violently consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil plans back to sender. So when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or that they change. Pray that the Nigerian god kills them off with such violent finality that there is nothing left of them. 

    Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

    Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

   The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

    The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

    The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

    The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

    In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

DOCTORS STRIKE; a voice of reason.

    Anyone who thought I would say nothing about the most recent strike action by doctors in Nigeria obviously does not know me very well. But what I have to say might surprise you. After I hunted down the detailed copy of the agenda, did a research on the history of medicine and the history of NMA strikes in Nigeria these are my conclusions;

     I will  begin by mentioning  that the various health service professionals swear an oath, the doctors, the medical laboratory scientist, nurses, pharmacist e.t.c different oaths with the same promise; to put the patient first, and do him no conscious harm. This has then left most people wondering why, if they all want the same thing, if they work together for the same cause , do they then turn their arms on themselves and let that which they  have sworn to preserve continue to suffer?. It is okay for a child who has worked hard to demand his own reward, but he cannot demand his reward and dictate the rewards of even the least of his siblings simultaneously. Greed might be permissible but oppression cannot be excused.

        So here we are again, facing another of many come, gone and to come medical service interruptions. To put it in the context of George Orwell's animal farm,  in the equality of animals  some animals are more equal than others, but this does not mean the more equal should coercively intimidate and oppress the unequal. We who question why,  do not write off the Nigerian medical Association's twenty four point agenda as baseless, but we question it's necessity. we also wonder if some of this demands that obviously infringe on the needs of other professional health workers is approved, wouldn't we be expecting another strike action by the aggrieved parties next? and if that might be the case, will this chaos ever end?